#1
Hey, sup people its me again with yet another metal song, i havent really decided what genre it will be, im thinking sorta like "hand of doom"ish it also sounds good as a death metal song to so idk yet.


Death Weaver

(talking like # of the beast, and if i do a death metal the last line will slowly turn into growl)
Floating under the glow of light, doust the death weaver glide, unseen by all, using the shadows of night, death cometh to thy if you look upon his eyes, let the blood seep as he drains your life

Real Song

Look into those hate full eyes
as he burns the soul that makes your life
while you see
what the death weaver has done to me

Burning your soul
and the body too
let the death weaver consume you
turning you into a walking lifeless hole

Finding a way to die
take that pill and try
fall into sleep
that is meant to stay so deep

destroying what you percieve (sp)
as the poisen seeps in deep
cant you feel the pain
your life he shall drain

yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

death weaver coming for you
what you gonna do
as he swings that big red axe
straight into your back

yeah

take back your life
and win over the fight
can you even die
life is such a lie

yeah
yeah
yeah
(fade out)

thats it rate 1/10 plz
Quote by unfathomable_bo
Well it isnt hard to bend a string that has the tension of a piece of well cooked spaghetti, especially when you have hands like goalkeeper gloves


My songs: (more to come) (C4C's)
Screams fell silent underneath the black sun
#3
i think that is frekin awesome. ive been trying to write lyrics like this and couldnt. good job!
#4
thx, im look for some constuctive crits plz, i know there are SOME problems with it...come one people
Quote by unfathomable_bo
Well it isnt hard to bend a string that has the tension of a piece of well cooked spaghetti, especially when you have hands like goalkeeper gloves


My songs: (more to come) (C4C's)
Screams fell silent underneath the black sun
#5
Thanks for the crit on mine, Seems ok, few lines that kind of stick out for me tho. Don't have time to do a proper crit now but will do one tonight. PM me if i forget.
#6
Look into those hate full eyes
as he burns the soul that makes your life
while you see
what the death weaver has done to me

Guess you meant hateful in the first line? Not too sure about the second line to be honest. Quite like the last line

Burning your soul
and the body too
let the death weaver consume you
turning you into a walking lifeless hole

This verse doesnt really flow too well in my opinion, not too sure about the "walking lifeless hole"

Finding a way to die
take that pill and try
fall into sleep
that is meant to stay so deep

think this verse could be ok but could maybe be
"find a way to die, as you take that pill and try, to fall in to a sleep, that is meant to stay so deep" seems to flow a bit better to me

destroying what you percieve (sp)
as the poisen seeps in deep
cant you feel the pain
your life he shall drain

Not too sure about this one, last line seems kinda forced to make it rhyme

yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

death weaver coming for you
what you gonna do
as he swings that big red axe
straight into your back

Really dont like the "big red axe" line, something about it just sounds cheesy, first two lines just makes me think "what you gonna do when they come for you"

yeah

take back your life
and win over the fight
can you even die
life is such a lie

This one's ok, cant really think what to say about it

yeah
yeah
yeah
(fade out)

hmmm, not too sure about this one, as you said it does need work. I'll be honest i'm not entirely sure what constitutes good metal lyrics so this crit is jsut based on my personal opinion, it could work but it defo needs work. I'd give it 5/10
#7
yeah thx for the crit and yeah needs work me+3:00+pencil, paper+huge bag of weed=bad writing, i really just now noticed how horrible this song is lol

and im definatly going to use that idea for the sleep
Quote by unfathomable_bo
Well it isnt hard to bend a string that has the tension of a piece of well cooked spaghetti, especially when you have hands like goalkeeper gloves


My songs: (more to come) (C4C's)
Screams fell silent underneath the black sun
Last edited by Stolenidentity1 at Sep 8, 2006,