#1
Here's something new then, so you can get your IOU's back, haha. I like these lyrics, to be perfectly honest, It's got alot of conetent here to be ripped into so please, have at it.

Enjoy


The lies and the love of Frankie
Leave us all in despair
His stories of conquered women
Are told though we don't care

He takes a time out
To take a sip on his drink
But I can't really see
Who he's looking at outside
Through the window he stares
Frozen eyes to the kerb
Found himself a target
Tonight will be the night oh yes

The lies and the love of Frankie
Whistle through our ears
He sits at the bar with Laura
Getting through his beers

As she takes just a sec
To spend some loose change
He pops in a pill
It'll make her feel strange
There's no point in trying to
Find a reason for his actions
Is it cos he wants the attention
Or is it for his own satisfaction

There's no point in shouting (He's not there, he's not there)
No point in shouting at him (He don't care, he don't care)
No way to fight against him
Cos all the guys who've asked why
Have so far ended up with blackened eyes yeh

The lies and the love of Frankie
Cut through the flesh
It's not that he's bad at talking
But then he's not the best

He takes a time out
To take a sip on his drink
But I can't see
Who he's looking at outside
Through the window he stares
Frozen eyes to the kerb
Found himself a target
Tonight will be the night oh yes

There's no point in shouting (He's not there, he's not there)
No point in shouting at him (He don't care, he don't care)
No way to fight against him
No way in hell I'd tell him
There's no chance of me fighting the war

Got to tell him
Oh we've got to tell him
Got to tell him
Oh we've got to tell him
That his actions just aren't right
Stand up and we'll start the fight
Tell him to leave our town tonight
Once he's gone the girls will be alright
#3
this isn't the best writing ever, but it's simple and it works. you've really got this storytelling-thign going on here, great job on that. the rhythm was okay, the language was, like i said, simple, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. i like the story you tell, well it even reminds me of some people i know i'm sure this can make a good song! keep it up

can you do mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=428218
#4
First of all, congratulations on being WotM. Secondly, I really liked this piece. It was written simply, but the story behind it was very powerful. Nice job on that. The flow seemed to be off at times, but that's not a big deal. Overall, another solid performance from you.

I know you critiqued this piece before, but I did a major overhaul to it, so I was wondering if you could crit it again. Thanks.

The Face of an Angel
#5
The lies and the love of Frankie
Leave us all in despair
His stories of conquered women
Are told though we don't care
Ok for an opening. Does nothing more than introduce the reader to the story, but that's OK.

He takes a time out
To take a sip on his drink
But I can't really see
Who he's looking at outside
Through the window he stares
Frozen eyes to the kerb
Found himself a target
Tonight will be the night oh yes
Again, OK. ''oh yes'' at the end doesn't go down well without punctuation. I'd consider removing it.

The lies and the love of Frankie
Whistle through our ears
He sits at the bar with Laura
Getting through his beers
I think the first line would flow better as ''The lies and love of Frankie'' in each stanza. The rest of this stanza seemed a bit off flow-wise, as well.

As she takes just a sec
To spend some loose change
He pops in a pill
It'll make her feel strange
There's no point in trying to
Find a reason for his actions
Is it cos he wants the attention
Or is it for his own satisfaction
Words like ''sec'' and ''strange'' are simply not strong enough in a stanza about such a dark subject. You really need to re-work this bit, because it is of critical importance for impact, given the nature of it.

There's no point in shouting (He's not there, he's not there)
No point in shouting at him (He don't care, he don't care)
No way to fight against him
Cos all the guys who've asked why
Have so far ended up with blackened eyes yeh
Again, I think the ''yeh'' at the end is completely innappropriate. Othewise, OK.

The lies and the love of Frankie
Cut through the flesh
It's not that he's bad at talking
But then he's not the best
The variations of this chorus-type bit are pretty effective. I like this one.

He takes a time out
To take a sip on his drink
But I can't see
Who he's looking at outside
Through the window he stares
Frozen eyes to the kerb
Found himself a target
Tonight will be the night oh yes
I think you can leave this out. I can't see any particular reason why you'd want to repeat it, and it definitely doesn't carry any effect. I'd get rid.

There's no point in shouting (He's not there, he's not there)
No point in shouting at him (He don't care, he don't care)
No way to fight against him
No way in hell I'd tell him
There's no chance of me fighting the war
You could also leave out the first two lines here. I believe that would be pretty good.

Got to tell him
Oh we've got to tell him
Got to tell him
Oh we've got to tell him
That his actions just aren't right
Stand up and we'll start the fight
Tell him to leave our town tonight
Once he's gone the girls will be alright
The aaaa rhyme at the end is rubbish for me. You've compromised the impact of the finish by using it as well. You could change the seventh line to ''Make him leave our town'', or ''Force him to leave our town''.

Overall, an interesting idea. You seem to like trying out different ideas and themes, which is always a good thing.
#6
Thanks all.

Thank god you got into this one, CJW, I was scared that WoTM means people automatically love you're pieces.

Cheers again.
#7
hey, i really liked the fact that the message of the song was quite clear. It was easy to read, nice flow. and unlike CJW, i like the aaaa at the end, just because it was at the end, where it fits Nice job.

well you might not consider this a real crit, but if you would take a look at mine, id be grateful

Brave New World