#1
Hi everyone,

my first (serious) piece of writing, i know theres a lot of improvement to make, but i can only learn from my mistakes

as the title suggested, this song is based on the novel by Aldous Huxley. To completely understand, you must have read the book, if you havent, ill explain some stuff if you ask

edit: forgot.... crit4crit


Brave New World

Feel no pain,
Or you?ll be blown away

Do as you?re told,
The reasons will unfold

The happiness around you
Is the only thing that matters
The people who surround you
Are really not to blame

For the alcohol in your surrogate
And the soma in your lemonade
In this brave new world we made
The revolution?s getting late

Go forth and multiply,
Is the only answer why
The meaning of existence,
Has gone until you try

Hypnopaedical happiness,
Is more than make-believe.
The alphas and the epsilons
Are both built to deceive.

There?s alcohol in your surrogate
And soma in your lemonade
In this brave new world we made
The revolution?s getting late

Feel no pain,
One gramme of soma could take it al away.
Last edited by Mister.Y at Sep 6, 2006,
#3
Quote by kindenrock
Righteous....
This is a rad song, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.


thanks mate

any1 else?
#4
For your first piece this was pretty damn good. The flow was excellent and I really liked the wording you used. I liked the way you changed the rhyming scheme around at times. It was a nice change of pace. Anyways, I hope to see more lyrics from you in time. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?

Snake-Tongued Love
#5
I thought that it was great, and was very much so in the spirit of the book. It would be cool if you put "A gram is better than a damn" somewhere in there, or one of the other rhymes that they repeat throughout the novel, just a suggestion.
#6
Quote by wolfat the door
I thought that it was great, and was very much so in the spirit of the book. It would be cool if you put "A gram is better than a damn" somewhere in there, or one of the other rhymes that they repeat throughout the novel, just a suggestion.


yeah, i was thinking about that, but i already put a lot of stuff from the book in it. it was a good idea, maybe i could have squeezed one of those lines in there

thanks
#7
You've got some nice ideas here, but I can't help but feel that the direct approach of "you" is too much for this piece. I'd suggest a slightly more subtle approach, so it feels less direct and would appeal to a wider range of people.

But good work. Keep it going.

Jamie
#8
I found the dichotomous approach interesting. At one hand, it's superficially persuasive, but on the other hand there's a sense of warning, like a kidnap victim confessing love for their captor at gunpoint. Wonderfully done. I think the beginning is a bit weak in comparison to the end, but you ended it really well.
Hi, I'm Peter
#9
thanks all

to jammydude: thanks for the tip, im really new in writing, but i have been checking out a lot of pieces on this forum, thats a great help too

weirdly enough i seem to get my inspiration from books. i am currently reading a, in many perspectives, similar book. nineteen-eigthyfour from george orwell....i might write something about that too, but im not sure, cause its really similar