#1
crit4crit

SNAKE-TONGUED LOVE

The benedict monarch adulterated by grindstone sores
Finds himself resting in the comfort of a morgue
The inquisition opens your mind and closes your heart
Ridicule the mockery of ?til death do us part
?My snake-tongued love found a role most suiting her
Wearing the mask of judge, jury, and executioner
She handed me an edict written in advocated prose
The truth altered by an opera she composed?

Anhelo el abrazo de mi casa
Detrás de estos muros, tengo nada

The gatekeeper is a grand illusionist
Upon the lionheart?s throne, the trickster sits
Banished from the palace is the emperor of Rome
Serving an iniquitous sentence in a catacomb
Stranded in the corridor where the reaper leads his prey
He trusted in the wisdom of devils to shepherd the way
?Put the covers over me and let the ghosts rock me to sleep
In the morning, I?ll be hunted by wolves dressed as sheep?

Anhelo el abrazo de mi casa
Detrás de estos muros, tengo nada
#2
what does the spanish mean? (it's spanish, right?). I like the flow in this piece a lot, aswell as the language you use. it gives the whole thing this intellectual feel. the rhyming was done so well, that i didn't notice it at first, it all came naturally. good job; i enjoyed reading it! tnx for doing mine
#5
Actually the translation is: "I miss the warmth of my home. Behind these walls, I have nothing."

But you were pretty close. "A" for effort.
#6
hey, as phantom said; its a really nice flow, even with the long lines, it sounds great but because english isnt my native language, it was kinda hard to read for me, i had to read it a couple of times to get it right. i really liked it in the end, but i dont really see the connection between the spanish line and rest of the piece...

nice job , and thanks for taking a look at mine
#7
Yes, you're a good writer, you didn't need to show off in another langauge for us to get that

I can't help but notice the lack of punctuation to this piece.

But, yeh, most of your stuff isn't too my personal taste, but I can't help but envy you're talent nonetheless.

Keep it up.

Jamie
#8
i really thought it was nice,and the spanish thing reminds me of "Children of bodom"'s Silent night bodom night,the part where Alexi Goes "for the reaper wants more"

2 words - very nice work
#10
dude. another great song. but the one thing i didnt like this time was the AABB. just wasnt working for me. but the spanish chorus is gonna get me some extra credit in spanish class. :-) Id say just keep writing those almost philosophical pieces but try and stray from AABB.
#11
You sure do love mr. Bixler dont ya?

Like what the others said, it has a decent flow, despite the abundance of syllables, but like a lot of stuff on UG, it looks like it was written whilst flicking through a thesaurus.

The benedict monarch adulterated by grindstone sores
Finds himself resting in the comfort of a morgue
The inquisition opens your mind and closes your heart
Ridicule the mockery of ?til death do us part
?My snake-tongued love found a role most suiting her
Wearing the mask of judge, jury, and executioner
She handed me an edict written in advocated prose
The truth altered by an opera she composed?


Pretty good opening verse. i like the "grindstone sores" and the almost historical imagery. The snake tongued lover part is good, buti personally cant see how it relates to the rest of the piece. you should make more of it.

Anhelo el abrazo de mi casa
Detrás de estos muros, tengo nada


I know very little spanish, so no comment on this bit other than, once again, its very cedric bixler.


The gatekeeper is a grand illusionist
Upon the lionheart?s throne, the trickster sits
Banished from the palace is the emperor of Rome
Serving an iniquitous sentence in a catacomb
Stranded in the corridor where the reaper leads his prey
He trusted in the wisdom of devils to shepherd the way
?Put the covers over me and let the ghosts rock me to sleep
In the morning, I?ll be hunted by wolves dressed as sheep?


again i like this verse for the imagery, but its a bit of a mish mash of different stuff and the content is a little disjointed.
I assume the "emperor of rome" part ties in with the reference to benedict (who wasnt a monarch, but w/e) but the lionheart thing seems to me, a little out of place as he was a whole different king.
i doubt these references are literal, but if they are metaphorical, the message seems to get lost a little.
i also like the sheep/wolves line. it just stuck out to me for some reason.

overall its pretty good stuff, and you seem to be a competent writer However, there are a few words that seem to be there purely for aesthetics, so it looks nice to read.you have a good grasp of language, but its one of those pieces where the wording can cause a reader to switch off a bit. I know if you changed those words now then it would royally **** with the flow, but be aware, you shouldnt sacrifice comprehension for flow.

Peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#13
It was the worst piece of crap i've ever read...it's a great pile of flaming shat...Jews are dumb...