#1
Wow. Just wrote this one ots and its pretty weird. I realllllllly get off the track here. Going from rockin' womanizing tune with poppyness to prosey to suprising philosophics. (I'm so effin' deep. Gawd.) But yeah. I don't even know if I like it, I hope you do though! Crit for Crit!

I could never afford no wheels but I'm still driving you away.
I complain about cheap women, but I've never really wanted to pay.
Throw yourself at me for some change, some change!
I'd leave you covered in green if you'd change, you'd change!

Wallet ribbed with more rubber, and packed with less paper, livin' under the covers, these beds are so unfamiliar. Laying nights inside these rooms, the broken rung above recluse, my mind is tense, but my body's loose, I promise baby, I'm thinking of you.

Whichever body you are.

Whichever nameless face straight in a row,
Monday,
Tuesday,
See you up and down.
Wednesday,
Thursday,
Get the
Picture yet?,
Its blank, you're faceless! Nameless!

Remorseless!
...Before I see you again.

Wallet ribbed with more rubber, and packed with less paper, livin' under the covers, these beds are so unfamiliar. Laying nights inside these rooms, the broken rung above recluse, my mind is tense, but my body's loose, I promise baby, I'm thinking of you.

Whichever body you are.

I'll bury you in the back of my headstone's garden, forgotten, all of your names are Ivy and Dirt... Or they might as well be.
There are many things many people might as well be. They get like that when they know they are nothing, have not committed to love, self, country, or life.

Know you are nothing, (Commit!)
and be anything. (Change, I'll pay you.)
Last edited by BigBassFishing at Sep 6, 2006,
#2

I could never afford no wheels but I'm still driving you away.
I complain about cheap women, but I've never really wanted to pay.
Throw yourself at me for some change, some change!
I'd leave you covered in green if you'd change, you'd change!
I like the flow of this and i especially love the first two lines. Very original

Wallet ribbed with more rubber, and packed with less paper, livin' under the covers, these beds are so unfamiliar. Laying nights inside these rooms, the broken rung above recluse, my mind is tense, but my body's loose, I promise baby, I'm thinking of you.
I love the imagery used in this stanza alot, again a very solid one.


Whichever body you are.

Whichever nameless face straight in a row,
Monday,
Tuesday,
See you up and down.
Wednesday,
Thursday,
Get the
Picture yet?,
Its blank, you're faceless! Nameless!

Remorseless!
...Before I see you again.
You were right it is pretty random here, however it works with the on going theme of, or at least how I've taken it, as being with a diffrent girl every night and nothing is that meaningful it's just sex.


Wallet ribbed with more rubber, and packed with less paper, livin' under the covers, these beds are so unfamiliar. Laying nights inside these rooms, the broken rung above recluse, my mind is tense, but my body's loose, I promise baby, I'm thinking of you.
Again I love this stanza alot, very solid and original.

Whichever body you are.

I'll bury you in the back of my headstone's garden, forgotten, all of your names are Ivy and Dirt... Or they might as well be.
There are many things many people might as well be. They get like that when they know they are nothing, have not committed to love, self, country, or life.

Know you are nothing, (Commit!)
and be anything. (Change, I'll pay you.)
Ver nice ending


While it may be random I loved it alot and I was really impressed I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future. I give this one a 9/10 because the imagery and the concept of it were truely remarkable. Kudos

Please crit mine if you don't mind One Man Russian Roulette
#3
no way! I love womenizing!

Edit: meh, actually its really just a free-write, and while thats grand, I dont really see a point in crittiquing it now if your probably just going to mold another piece after the ideals presented here... Can i catch you on your next one?
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 7, 2006,
#4
Quote by #1 synth
no way! I love womenizing!

Edit: meh, actually its really just a free-write, and while thats grand, I dont really see a point in crittiquing it now if your probably just going to mold another piece after the ideals presented here... Can i catch you on your next one?


Fo sho, fo sho.