#1
It's over and done since i wrote this
You're cold and i'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer

I washed the last bits of sand and love out of my head and I
watched it down the drain--
I watched my heart slide down the drain
And it's college nights all winter
and Rhode Island's cold as ice
I could never burn as brightly as the
stars inside your head tonight

It's over and done since I wrote this
You're cold and I'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer

And it's college nights all winter
And Rhode Island's cold as ice
And it's ladies night next thursday
And a phone call would be nice
And it's to always giving up on that one love you loved to lose
And it's to giving in
Giving me
Time to clearly choose that it's all over......

All over

It's over, and done since I wrote this
You're cold and I'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer
#2
i actualyl liked this. it's simply fairly plain, and completely relatable. I liked all of it. well, the use of Drain twice back to back was a little weak. and i watched it down the drain seemed kind of weird. but i realyl liked this piece for some reason... i could imagine it being really good put to music.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
It's over and done since i wrote this
You're cold and i'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer
I wasn't too sure of this on first reading, but I think this is a decent stanza to start off with.

I washed the last bits of sand and love out of my head and I
watched it down the drain--
I watched my heart slide down the drain
And it's college nights all winter
and Rhode Island's cold as ice
I could never burn as brightly as the
stars inside your head tonight
''Heart slide down the drain'' I really just can't get on with. I think this stanza would be twice as good if you removed it. The rest is OK, with some decent imagery, especially the last line.

It's over and done since I wrote this
You're cold and I'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer

And it's college nights all winter
And Rhode Island's cold as ice
And it's ladies night next thursday
And a phone call would be nice
And it's to always giving up on that one love you loved to lose
And it's to giving in
Giving me
Time to clearly choose that it's all over......
First four lines don't grab me here. ''Phone call would be nice'' sounds especially trite. The next line is far too long. Just putting half of it as another line would improve it, for me.

All over
My verdict: get rid. Just has no effect whatsoever.

It's over, and done since I wrote this
You're cold and I'm quietly frozen
The marks he left on your neck
Will fade before next summer
If you want to repeat this, then remove the one in the middle. It doesn't warrant reading thrice over, because it's not hard-hitting enough.

Overall, some good bits and some plain bits. Not bad at all.
#4
just an fyi...its a song not a poem. i wouldnta repeated it that way as a poem..... the repetition (and the long line) are negated when sung.

hmm..no one likes the heart part. yarr.
#6
Nice job. This was a song that is easy to relate to. I really enjoyed reading this it, but I would have to agree with CJW on the "Phonecall would be nice" line. I think you should change it, but that's just my opinion. Anyways, other than that I thought this was a solid piece. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?

RH Factor
#7
I could never burn as brightly as the
stars inside your head tonight


take those 2 lines. . . . .. . .and write somthing with them. . . .. . .i predict big things.
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