#1
DNA WORM DIG

When I die, laid dead in a bucket
Bed of nails and thumping headaches,
I want my teeth removed; gummed pink
So I?m a sweet talker and rid of chat,
Chat, chattering.
I?ll need a mountain face for my grave stone,
To crumble and disintegrate.
So my chest is dust and the dust my chest,
And the draft is KILLER so I?ll ruin myself.
Watching worms tunnel into their own,
The DNA split into MOLEcules.
See an even result from risky gamble.
See the sky unfold like origami handles.
A Chinese man in hymn over a box
Of a dripping pens lover,
Always lost in finishing sentences
Until he curls up and dies,
Fucking DUST as his EYES.

Is this reprise?

Nein.
Non.
No.
Last edited by thepickups at Sep 7, 2006,
#2
''The DNA split into MOLEcules.'' Simply put: genius. Or something like that.

''So I?m a sweet talker and rid of chat,
Chat, chattering.'' The repitition works very well here.

Gotta say I woz completely bamboozeeoozled by the end here mate. The usual kind of imagery-and-thought-rich writing we come to expect from you.
Again, fine use of half-rhyme and full rhyme in places.

The big question:
Although impressive, is this as good as the Crouchmeister's recent overhead effort?

And the answer:

Nein.
Non.
No.
#4
Quote by thepickups
Best crit ever.

Hope it was of use.

Just like to say that after an umpteenth read, I feel like I grasp a far clearer understanding of this piece. I normally take a while.

I also think that the swearing at the end is very well implemented. Often it ruins a piece, but here the tone deserves it.
Last edited by CJW at Sep 7, 2006,
#6
I reckon this could be about how you want to be remembered when you're dead, with sins forgiven. The first few lines gave me that impression.

Also, vengeance comes into it in some way, against some male figure, perhaps yourself?

My interpretation might have changed in two minutes though.
#10
well I automatically like a piece if 'reprise' is used so... ya.

As for the rest, it reminds me of something I wrote a little while ago {not as good, but same basic ideas}, hell, I even used the whole DNA thing... anyway, good, but not up to your usual.

The ending was spot on though, same with the 'eyes'/'reprise' rhyme.
#12
"I?ll need a mountain face for my grave stone". . . . . . beautiful.

the rest seems a little darker then my taste, but you cant make everyone happy. dont take that as an insult; this was very well writen and not jsut any bumbass could have produced some of the things you have incorporated.
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
#13
Thanks.

It's not directly about my death, but alot of it revolves around it.

More comments!
#14
this is interesting, but i cant decide whether its genius or the ramblings of a schizophrenic.
Its hops from point to point and while you have some good turns of phrase (the molecules bit was intriguing) much of it is just a little too odd to follow.
It seems almost like it was written after death, when the maggots had already layed waste the old brain buffet.
very odd, but so odd that it seems intentional.
not much else i can really say

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#15
i cant decide whether its genius or the ramblings of a schizophrenic.


What's the difference?

I actually do suffer from schizophrenia, but that's beside the point.

I actually don't suffer from schizophrenia.

Thanks.
#16
good point. if there is a difference then theres a very fine line between the two.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#18
wow, this is some really good stuff man. I haven't read your stuff for a while, and I apologize. I feel guilty, you see, since you're always kind enough to read mine. So I'm going through all of yours I can find. don't be surprised if you see old pieces on the front page.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#20
thanks for writing this. i felt very attached to it from start to finish, ad it was indeed very VERY interesting. i love the structure, none of that boring chorus and verse...really sweet choice of words...nothing bad here, what more can i say?

\m/ peace