#1
** a work in progress **

August winds of anguish are accented by a beating heart.
As stones are pushed through ancient veins,
the vessels rupture and the structure falls apart.

The beasts that never meant harm,
direct cacauphonies of fiction and failure.
I can hear their pulsing allure,
which I thought once was long forgotten,
but it seems that it still remembers me.

A monument of sweat and stones,
with broken hands and withered bones.
Peel through the layers of tar and mold,
maybe you'll find a face that once glittered gold.

September skies of storms are highlighted by a dash of light.
As rainclouds sigh in lullaby,
they lose their will to hold and tears drown the night.

The words that never sounded right,
are whispered into tired ears of trial and reason.
I can feel the ice of their breath,
which I thought once was so seducing,
but it seems that time has corrected me.

A monument of sweat and stones,
with broken hands and withered bones.
Peel through the layers of tar and mold,
maybe you'll find a face that once glittered gold.
Last edited by kunvulshuns at Sep 8, 2006,
#2
Quote by kunvulshuns
** a work in progress **

August winds of anguish are
accented by a beating heart. For me, I didn't like how these first 2 lines flowed. That's probably just a personal feeling, but I didn'tlike the short lines and then the full stop.
Pumping stones through veins
the vessels rupture and the structure falls apart.

Again, with the flow, but think this time it needed a full stop. Nice imagery though.

Caught in the allure of fictions and failure I think you need a comma here.
Someone close the book and set me free.
These beasts that never meant any harm
direct this pulsing cacauphony Again, I think you need punctuation here.
I've forgotten them, but it seems that they still remember me.

Yes, good piece. Unspectacular, I feel, it could have done with some stronger emotion i there to really connect with the reader, but this was certainly above the standard of most here. Good stuff.


Jamie
#3
For being a work in progess, this a very good piece in opinion. The writing was very poetic to me and I thought the flow was pretty good. The only thing I would change is I would break up the last lines of the two stanzas, so it reads like this:

"The vessels rupture and
The structure falls apart"

"I've forgotten them, but it seems
That they still remember me"

Overall a great job.

Crit mine please?

Snake-Tongued Love
#4
It was definitely rough, and still is as of now. I've made some changes here and there.

thanks for the comments, I'll be sure to return them soon.... maybe on my lunch break.

!troy!