#1
If she was here what would she do
your hope is gone love, you are through
i need directions, i lost perfections
silence in the air says no effections

your 6 feet under in north dakota
im still up in california
its a ways
but ill go
the silence in the air got my emotions low

i will see you so soon
you wont see me for good
i will see you too soon
and youll never see me
but you should

you look so good in black
the silence in the air says
im never coming back
Funeral flowers on top of me
now look whos buried 6 feet deep

i will see you so soon
you will see me soon too
i will see you so soon
and youll see me
like you should
Last edited by misinform tyler at Sep 9, 2006,
#2
thats deep man, good writing, keep it up
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
#5
yea i like it man, the chorus i guesss you call it i liked a lot, check mine if you like...life after let go it is called
#6
If she was here what would she do
your hope is gone love, you are through
i need directions, i lost perfections
silence in the air says no effections

Nice strong opening verse. like the internal rhymes on the last two lines

your 6 feet under in north dakota
im still up in california
its a ways
but ill go
the silence in my mind is sayin oh no

i really dislike the ''oh no'' part. the rhyme is reeeeeally sloppy, and it kinda ruins the poignancy of the rest of the verse

i will see you so soon
you wont see me for good
i will see you too soon
and youll never see me
but you should

again, what you're saying is really nice, but the last linejust wasnt executed very well

you look so good in black
the silence in the air is screaming
never come back
Funeral flowers on top of me
now look whos buried 6 feet deep

beginning to sound like a broken record here: I like the ideas, like how you are buried in the flowers, but you should develop it more. also, i thought you wanted to see her again, why is the silence screaming never come back (and btw, the screaming silence is a little cliched)

i will see you so soon
you will see me soon too
i will see you so soon
and youll see me
like you should

overall, there was something i liked about this piece that i cant quite place. its probably cos its got a high level of emotion in the lyrics, however what i would say is you could probably make more of it.
its obviously a topic thats pretty close to your heart, so you should pour some more emotion into it. jazz up the language a little more and use some more of the internal rhyming like in the first verse, it gave it a kickass flow.

keep at it, i look forward to knowing what your gonna do with it.


peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#7
Wow, I loved it. I have high emotions in lyrics/poems..this one showed alot. I played some chords along with it...sounded alright if you wana try...Am, Fm#, C, D on the verse...and what i think is the chorus (i will see you so soon, you wont see me for good, i will see you too soon, and youll never see me, but you should) I Played G, Dm, C, G...Played it all at a slow beat..but speeded up on the chorus. try it out.. you may like it..i dunno. but all in all...great lyrics.
R.I.P Jerry Garcia (1945)-(1995)

In the winter of '65 we were hungry, just barely alive.

Confederate
#9
Thats really good. Your very talented. I didnt like

your 6 feet under in north dakota
im still up in california
its a ways
but ill go
the silence in my mind is sayin oh no

Just due to the short lines not really working for me and the "oh no" bit doesnt really fit otherwise its awesome