#1
OK so these are my first lyrics, which i suddenly started singing on the way home. It might have more added to it of a later date. I know it isnt the best but im not a great lyric writer..

(Chorus)
We pitch all of troubles
And all of our pride,
And all of our ways
When our pages collide
And we rode here together
Together we fight
We hunted for freedom
We?re locked up and dying tonight.

(Verse)
As we watch men die
Dreams shattered for men children and wives
As we remember our vows
?Till death do us part (Now death is upon us)

(Chorus)

(Verse)
As they block out the light
And we know
The time draws near?.
We wait for it to end
Morale is low and its
Too..... far..... to..... comprehend.

(Chorus)
Last edited by chobbsy at Sep 8, 2006,
#2
On the fst corus you want to change the last line it dont go with the rest.
You did a good job Chobbsy keep on writing.
#3
Nice Lyrics, Sounds like a Doors or Nirvana song...keep it up
R.I.P Jerry Garcia (1945)-(1995)

In the winter of '65 we were hungry, just barely alive.

Confederate
#4
i liked the chorus. i dont know hwy but i just did. as for the verses not so much. they just didnt have any flow. and were a bit vague. the best advice id give you is learn some new words, work on your flow, check the lyrics tips thread (im a big fan of that), and keep that ABCB scheme. It works good with this song. Check mine out? it says new one in the sig.
#5
We pitch all of troubles
And all of our pride,
And all of our ways
When our pages collide
And we rode here together
Together we fight
We hunted for freedom
We?re locked up and dying tonight.

You said that this is going to be the chorus but I think this should be the first verse. That's just me; you can do whatever you want. The first four lines of this stanza ("We pitch all..." to "...our pages collide") are great; good job. In the fifth line, take out the "And", for flow. Also, in the eighth line, I would take out the "and dying" part, for flow.

As we watch men die
Dreams shattered for men children and wives
As we remember our vows
?Till death do us part (Now death is upon us)

I think this would do best as the chorus. Take out the "men" in the second line, because you mentioned "men" in the first line and the second "men" seems a bit abrupt, and the second line is too long for it to flow well.

Oh, and it's "'Till death do we part," by the way. Overall, good stanza.


As they block out the light
And we know
The time draws near?.
We wait for it to end
Morale is low and its
Too..... far..... to..... comprehend.

This stanza's flow is completely different from the previous stanzas. The first stanza and the second stanza had varying line lengths and such but this is so different I found it difficult to enjoy. I like the thought you convey with this stanza but it needs to be rewritten. If you really want to keep it the way it is, it might work as a bridge in a song, where the bridge's flow is different than the rest of the song.


Can you please crit "Your Perfect A" from my sig?
#6
I know the flow may seemdifferent when wrote but when its sang it all seems to fit well enough. Thanks for critting this all.