#1
Not a very long one. its a bit frustrated and its one of those pieces that just pops through the wall of creative block. lemme know what yall think.

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Simulate adoption
of anothers point of view
in laudatory tones
for purposes of ridicule.
understand ill timed arrival
of unexpected circumstance
can provide moments of joy
for a privelaged audience

and for the underprivelaged
who just see sadness and pain,
a sort of like anemia is coursing through your veins.
your eyes are unlike iron so you blink at the absurd
and flinch at dust that gets kicked up by trampling of the herd.
retreat and breath and reassess from a higher vantage point
as an outsider observe the herd as it splinters and disjoins
denounce the status quo and pounce as mettle fills your heart
and you will find when you trounce the herd it quickly breaks apart

Dont take things on face value
aim your fire at the face
cos questioning and firing fury
make the world a better place.
mine your ore and forge the arrows
of anger, wrath and ire
and cauterise the demons
with your flames and thoughts of fire

your cappilleries are cast in metal, now the anemia has passed
triturate the status quo, rise up and rule the ruling class......
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#3
cheers frank. i have been listening to a lot of dead kennedys recently
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
Pretty good I reckon. I thought that the flow and rhythm was excellent, but the rhyme was all over the place. That might have been intentional, but I didn't like it.

Lyrically effective as well. Definitely avoids any sort of clicheness which pieces on this kind of theme and in this kind of tone often get caught up in.

Overall, an interesting read. Cheers for now.
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit. This was a really good piece in my opinion. The word was good, but the flow was just excellent. My favorite part was the closing couplet. Nice job and keep it up.
#6
Great job, FunkasPuck. Lyrics are great, as they require me to think about them. They flow well, too. Rhyme scheme was all over the place, like CJW said, but I really don't care when it comes to this one for some reason. Oh well, nice job.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#7
cheers people.
i know what you mean about the rhymes. it was kinda written on the fly.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#8
I really liked it a lot to be honest. Few things struck me in the side as I was readnig it though.

For instance the line "and flinch at dust that gets kicked up by trampling of the herd." sounds like a broken window when everything else flows so smoothly. I don't really have any suggestions the moment for changing it because my brain is fride from a long work day but I think it needs work.

The other part I wasn't toooo fond of was the last part. I think it would have left the listener more into the song without the last two lines.

Great job.
#9
Quote by FunkasPuck
Not a very long one. its a bit frustrated and its one of those pieces that just pops through the wall of creative block. lemme know what yall think.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simulate adoption
of anothers point of view
in laudatory tones
for purposes of ridicule.
understand ill timed arrival
of unexpected circumstance
can provide moments of joy
for a privelaged audience

I love the rhthym of this opening, for all the words theres meaning, and a concise flow to it...And an ever so subtle parts of rhyme. Although if I had to say something, then L5 sounds a bit awkward. Sounds like it needs "an" after "understand" I dont think it would be enough to upset the flow either. Other than that, I like this.

and for the underprivelaged
who just see sadness and pain,
a sort of like anemia is coursing through your veins.
your eyes are unlike iron so you blink at the absurd
and flinch at dust that gets kicked up by trampling of the herd.
retreat and breath and reassess from a higher vantage point
as an outsider observe the herd as it splinters and disjoins
denounce the status quo and pounce as mettle fills your heart
and you will find when you trounce the herd it quickly breaks apart

Thats just awesome, such an original idea, thats conveyed with such strength in the diction. I love the first line, really progresses the piece. L2 you prolly know is a lil cliche. Then the rest is just like a chaingun of images. I love the little wordplays too; "Iron/mettle" the ambiguity of "pounce" Not to mention the internal rhyme, a feast of a stanza!

Dont take things on face value
aim your fire at the face
cos questioning and firing fury
make the world a better place.
mine your ore and forge the arrows
of anger, wrath and ire
and cauterise the demons
with your flames and thoughts of fire

awww other than the double "face" in the opening, this is again a decent verse, the middle lines really cohere to the themes you've set up. And the piece feels like its winding down to an end. Again its like the opening it all seems to solid, and perfectly constructed. Its a talent you have there.

your cappilleries are cast in metal, now the anemia has passed
triturate the status quo, rise up and rule the ruling class......

excellent ending too. Love the diction, as you knew I would. Yeah sorry this crit wasn't err critical enough. I love your style and your ideas, they never dissapoint me. You always use unique themes and it shows your intelligence as a writer.




peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#10
cheers bro, it means a lot comin from you.

also cheers to broken kingdon
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#11
I think this would fit utterly perfectly as a real punk song... the flow seemed perfect to me, and I loved some of the rhymes you had going on there... My favorite part of the whole song was by far

triturate the status quo, rise up and rule the ruling class......

I love the "rule the ruling class", it's brilliant.... keep up the good work
#12
cheers dude. im doin urs now
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#14
thanks for your input, ****.
care to explain why? or are you just gonna be a complete dick about it?
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Nov 7, 2006,