#1
latest:


a case of crumbling stares

the taste and tingle
it lingers between the living and the dead
envelope your rigor mortis eyes
you're simply a case of crumbling stares

lips leave lines of arsenic across my skin
the informatives infect this purpose
conceal the cutting and record the rapture
lips leave lines of arsenic across my skin
the informatives infect this purpose
doubt the debate and expect large expectations

a silenced rebuttal
it lingers between the words and the mouth
your clenching fists envelop it
climbing through staring eyes again

climbing through staring eyes again...
climbing through staring eyes again...

two-levels split the eyelid
winding through convoys of clipped scenes

welcome
Last edited by Zamboni at Sep 8, 2006,
#2
way to steal that title. . .

I liked it, but it was much more poemee then songee. . .
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#3
Rule #1 for Aspiring Songwriters:

Never name your song the same title as another,
more popular song, unless your song is better
#4
If you were aiming to show how boring and repetitive a working day can become, I think the alliteration was perfectly suitable and well done.

If you weren't and the alliteration has no significance to the theme, then it's too overdone.

For me the alliteration actually overpowered any other point I could have made for this it, it's very strong and outweighs even what message you were trying to get across.

I can't help but think some punctuation is needed here for flow purposes.

But some nice ideas in here also. I just need to know if there is a reason for the alliteration or not, because that would what I would judge this piece on.

Jamie
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
If you were aiming to show how boring and repetitive a working day can become, I think the alliteration was perfectly suitable and well done.

Nailed it on the head.

edit: and i didn't know i was stealing a song title i shall change it immediately.