#1
C4C So here was a song that i just wrote. It's not super hyped with big flaunting words but it has a place in my heart. It was inspired by a lot of things including nature and my lover. So please enjoy. Or if you dont tell me why you didnt. And just so you know this sounds kind of Death Cab for Cutie/Bright Eyes like.

I Would Fix Our Mistakes But I Cant

Verse 1
The streetlights dim the road
The grass turns bronze in the sun
The trees may be attached to the ground
But i swear they could touch the clouds
Everything on Earth makes everything else darker
They just make another melancholy town

A sad place brings sorrowful people
With no animation in their hearts
They have no one to break them
No one to mend them
No one to make them feel better in their loneliest hour.

Chorus
In the mass confusion
I try to save them
I give it my all but its not good enough
(Then the chorus ends with some oohs)

Verse 2
You're the inspiration of my every song
I remember your every word as if they were a psalm
Your eyes could lift a weight off of my heart
And make me feel like I'm a greater part
In the play that everyone watches
And was rehearsed hundreds of times

Chorus 2
It was done perfect
A week ago
But in front of thousands of people
We made our only mistake

thanks
#2
The streetlights dim the road
The grass turns bronze in the sun
The trees may be attached to the ground
But i swear they could touch the clouds
Everything on Earth makes everything else darker
They just make another melancholy town

I like this stanza. It doesn't have good imagery in the last two lines, but it makes a good opening stanza.

A sad place brings sorrowful people
With no animation in their hearts
They have no one to break them
No one to mend them
No one to make them feel better in their loneliest hour.

Kind of weak. This stanza isn't that well written. It's very cliche, however, it does a good job of getting the point across. If you're happy with it, leave it. The fourth line is shorter than the rest, and the flow is interrupted because of that, though.

In the mass confusion
I try to save them
I give it my all but its not good enough

Really cliche. Sorry, but this stanza seemed weak to me. If I were you, I would recommend doing a freewrite with the same feeling in mind that you were thinking about when you were writing this. Then, rewrite it. Make it stronger. Use better vocabulary. Make the chorus something really inspirational.

You're the inspiration of my every song
I remember your every word as if they were a psalm
Your eyes could lift a weight off of my heart
And make me feel like I'm a greater part
In the play that everyone watches
And was rehearsed hundreds of times

I liked this stanza. It was good. The rhyming was very forced, but the last two lines were good.

It was done perfect
A week ago
But in front of thousands of people
We made our only mistake

This is a great last stanza. I like it a lot. The words were chosen well. All in all, a good ending to a decent song.

Could you please crit "Your Perfect A" in my sig?
#3
thanks this is pretty much all just raw stuff. i didnt change anything when i was writing and on top of that ive been trying to get out of my lack of inspiration. so yeah ill check it out here in a bit.
#4
very good, almost a poetic level of description in the first verse (which i absolutely love) is this going to put to music some day?
Last edited by chobbsy at Sep 9, 2006,
#5
actually i wrote it over chords and i was going to record it sometime soon. so thanks. i like the first verse.
#6
I really enjoyed reading that. The first verse was very excellent. It was very poetic and beautifully written. While the second verse didn't grab my attention that much, it was still very well written. Nice job and keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Love
#7
yea i really enjoyed that man, and i agree that the first stanza is great, and the part after it...i'd call it a prechorus....i loved as well. That part sound to me like it would be awesome, if it were just kind of said and not sung as the music builds to the chorus, i dont know just a thought
#8
well the musics on the myspace in the sig now. so you can check that out. and thanks to everyone who gave crits
#9
In the mass confusion

That's wht I prbably felt after the opener, I just didn't see where this was going. You have some imagery that doesn't lead anywhere, followed by a lacklustre piece of narrative, where you repeat "no one" far too much.

The chorus lacked a hook, and it too seemed it had as blunt a point as the rest before it.

Verse 2 showed more message, but it didn't compliment the rets of the song as the overall point of this has got lost somehwere. Once more, the last chorus didn't have a hook (essential for a chorus).

Also, the whole piece suffere from bad flow. It desperatley needs some tightening up.

Jamie