#1
Always was going to get this idea into a song, too good to just throw away. Again, I kinda like this, but I am slowly feeling my inspiration dry up a bit, I think I need to live a bit more at the moment and get some new ideas into my head.

Critique for critique if you leave a link.

Enjoy

EDIT: I can't help but think that a few people still owe me some sort of critique


Love is blind is the saying that
They all say,
I'd rather forget that and use my own eyes
Anyway,
It's all just getting out of hand,
And when I try to work it out
I just don't understand it, no

Treat them well and they'll treat you
Just the same,
It don't work like that these theorys they're
All to blame,
For optimism has lost it's appeal,
And when I try talk it out
You listen but your lips are sealed

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here, yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

It's come to this it's come to a stern
Talking to,
About the way you should behave when it's just
Me and you,
Soon enough out will come that dreaded word,
Oh you don't wanna hear it girl
It's like a dreaded curse

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Love is blind is the saying that they all give,
I tried to justify that
But all I got was nothing back,
I reckon it's just a lame excuse;
For leading me right the way down
The wrong sodding alley everytime

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet II feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Love is blind is just an excuse,
Let's hope that really soon,
I won't need to put that saying to use
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 9, 2006,
#2
wow it was really good. The flow was really exceptional. Id say my favorite part of it was the chorus. th ending was really good too. it wrapped up the song perfectly. i keep reading over it but theres nothing that i can find that i dont like. Check mie out? new one in the sig
#4
^^^^^^^^ Ha synth, you've said that so many times now I don't know if you're ever going to crit one
#6
Another job well done, Jamie. I really enjoyed reading this piece. For one it was easy to understand and that was a breath a fresh air after reading so many songs stuffed with cryptic lyrics (mine included). Anyways, my favorite aspect of this song was diefinitely the rhyming scheme. It moved the song along nicely. The opening stanza drew me in and the rest of the song kept me there. Well, I'm sorry I can't give you the awesome crits you give me. All I can say is, keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?

The Lady Of My Shrine
#7
Quote by Jammydude44


EDIT: I can't help but think that a few people still owe me some sort of critique
Hopefully I can provide for you my friend.

Love is blind is the saying that
They all say,
I'd rather forget that and use my own eyes
Anyway,
It's all just getting out of hand,
And when I try to work it out
I just don't understand it, no
This seems like a very plain opening. I'm not enjoying the three-syllable lines here, I reckon they vary too much and disrupt the flow. ''getting out of hand'' is a big cliche - you should try avoiding that type o' thing.

Treat them well and they'll treat you
Just the same,
It don't work like that these theorys they're
All to blame,
For optimism has lost it's appeal,
And when I try talk it out
You listen but your lips are sealed
Personally, I found this stanza a lot better in content. ''Treat them well and they'll treat you'' is a saying which I dislike heartily as well, and you've put your views across effectively here.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here, yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you
I do not like your rhyme scheme here - the aaa at the beginning is real mistake in my books. Talking about phones just doesn't tend to work in songs on this theme either.

It's come to this it's come to a stern
Talking to,
About the way you should behave when it's just
Me and you,
Soon enough out will come that dreaded word,
Oh you don't wanna hear it girl
It's like a dreaded curse
Repitition o' 'dreaded' is pretty good.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you
I always make this point in songs, but if you really want to repeat this stanza, I recommend doing it just once, and remove this one, leaving just that one near the end.

Love is blind is the saying that they all give,
I tried to justify that
But all I got was nothing back,
I reckon it's just a lame excuse;
For leading me right the way down
The wrong sodding alley everytime
I'm sure you can find a better word than 'lame' - it just holds no effect. Otherwise this is good; a variation on the second stanza but similarly thoughtful.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet II feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Love is blind is just an excuse,
Let's hope that really soon,
I won't need to put that saying to use
An OK finale, but I think you might be able to come up with something better.

Another interesting read Jamie. My main problems were your choices with rhythm and rhyme, which may differ for other people, but I hope that I gave you some helpful pointers again.
#8
Of course you gave some helpful pointers again, CJW. Though I still can't agree with you on the repetition of the chorus, I mean most songs I can think of have 2/3 chorus, so I don't see what's wrong with it.

And thanks Marsvolata, also.

Ret, that sounds like a plan
#9
Love is blind is the saying that
They all say,
I'd rather forget that and use my own eyes
Anyway,
It's all just getting out of hand,
And when I try to work it out
I just don't understand it, no

Read your interview thing for writer of the month and you mentioned Arctic Monkeys...I can play these lyrics over the top of an AM backing track in my head and it fits perfectly. Most notable similarity here is the ending of the stanza in 'No', which Alex from AM tends to do alot.

Treat them well and they'll treat you
Just the same,
It don't work like that these theorys they're
All to blame,
For optimism has lost it's appeal,
And when I try talk it out
You listen but your lips are sealed

Rhyme scheme progressing well, simple but effective..most importantly it's consistent. Perhaps 'These theories are all to blame' would help the flow, the alliteration of 3 'th' words in a row is a bit of a mouthful.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here, yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Easy to relate to. The value of these lyrics lies in their ability to simply communicate with everyone. The last line is slightly 'deep' in comparison to the rest of what you've written about. *Prays this doesn't turn into another cliche broken hearts song*

It's come to this it's come to a stern
Talking to,
About the way you should behave when it's just
Me and you,
Soon enough out will come that dreaded word,
Oh you don't wanna hear it girl
It's like a dreaded curse

Thank god. Whiny broken hearted lyrics avoided! Relief. Nice work.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet I feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Love is blind is the saying that they all give,
I tried to justify that
But all I got was nothing back,
I reckon it's just a lame excuse;
For leading me right the way down
The wrong sodding alley everytime

Sodding? Hmm, i'm not sure that works. Being from south England, i know as well as you do nobody says sodding! Like the repetition of Love is blind etc, works well.

So I sit and listen to the ringing tone
I'm right by you but still you're on the phone
There's two in here yet II feel alone
And when I try to get you off
You just walk straight out the room;
It's like I never existed to you

Love is blind is just an excuse,
Let's hope that really soon,
I won't need to put that saying to use

OVer all I enjoyed it, but i'm more used to these kind of lyrics than most of the american people on these boards so the novelty value is lost on me. Please crit Escape Plan in my Sig. Thanks, hope i've helped.
#10
You're developing a great sense of humour and wit in your pieces, it's been great to watch your writing really grow. "I try to get you off" - the blunt simplicity of it all is great. You prove that you don't need to shroud your pieces in dense metaphor and clever imagery for it to be effective. It's great in terms of its Englishness as well, noting 'sodding'. Good work, as ever.

Also, thanks for critiqing my pieces whenever I post, even though I am awful at critiquing others, especially yours.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#13
Thanks Alex jackw and pheobus, much appreciated, all of you.

synth, I'm not surprised you didn't get here