#1
crit4crit

THE LADY OF MY SHRINE

Laid my offering on the vigil
Overwhelmed by a useless ritual
Praying the feeling would be mutual
With a touch of the hand, she can heal
And all the desires I feel
Manifest into something real

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirits haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face

Moving in a graceful dance
Her aura held me in a trance
I had to worship the ground where she stands
She removed me, the lady of my shrine,
From the cross on which I had been crucified
Carried me through the gates of Paradise

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirits haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face

She appeared to me in a dream
My immaculate queen
Transcended me into her king
Ascended my blessed throne
In a castle of ivory and gold
We made the Eden our home

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirit haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face
#2
This is one of the most original love songs(if it is that, excuse me if I got the wrong idea) I have seen in a long time. I read it and couldnt find anything I didnt like about it..
personally I think its great.

9/10
#3
Awesome lyrics! If this is a love song, you must be in knots over the person this is about.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#4
Amazing - really.
As someone already stated above. it's very original, which is truly a great thing.
I honestly can't think of any way to actually crit this piece, and also I feel it conveys your emotions quite nicely, why impersonalize emotion?
All in all, wonderful, I definitely look forward to your future pieces!
Also, thank you again.

-Wahrheit Lied
I need a sig. :O!
#5
not my style man, but hey it's all good. i don't like this song a lot to be honest. it's not a poorelt written songs by anymeans or a bad song. sorry i can't offer much more man. keep writing though. peace.
Break Dance Not Hearts

Quote by Vicious Sid
He pulled little Timmy out of his electric wheelchair
Broke his good arm and made him eat his own hair
The End.
#6
really nice lyrics, they're deep and they rhyme and mesh together nicely...keep it up
R.I.P Jerry Garcia (1945)-(1995)

In the winter of '65 we were hungry, just barely alive.

Confederate
#7
I actually have nothing to complain about here. The rhyming was ever so slightly dodgy, but personally I think you got away with it.

Possibly the only thing I can see to improve is "your beatiful face", that was pretty cliche and I think you could do it better.

So, yeah, another good piece.

Jamie
#8
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

THE LADY OF MY SHRINE

Laid my offering on the vigil
Overwhelmed by a useless ritual
Praying the feeling would be mutual
With a touch of the hand, she can heal
And all the desires I feel
Manifest into something real
Good stanza here. Flows really well. Not a big fan of the AAABBB but it takes talent to make it seem not forced with that scheme.

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirits haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face
Not too big on this one. I dont like the last three lines. Just too simplistic.

Moving in a graceful dance
Her aura held me in a trance
I had to worship the ground where she stands
She removed me, the lady of my shrine,
From the cross on which I had been crucified
Carried me through the gates of Paradise
Wow. This ones really good. I loved it. I also love all the historical references you usually have in your songs. Keep it up.

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirits haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face

She appeared to me in a dream
My immaculate queen
Transcended me into her king
Ascended my blessed throne
In a castle of ivory and gold
We made the Eden our home
Another great one. I just keep getting all these images in my head and theyre crystal clear. Has the right amount of description where its not too flowery.

This ruin?s no longer empty
Now that your spirit haunts this place
How long will it be
Before I see
Your beautiful face


I really like all your work. The historical parts all fit in there and it flows really well. I wasnt a big fan of the chorus though. Might just be me though.