Crit4Crit. Ok just another song. wrote it tonight. raw and unedited as usual. one oclock in the morning. ill be recording it tomorrow.

See You Later Lover

Verse 1
See you later lover
It's okay I'll meet up with your brother
That you don't have
I'll be waiting for you in that house
With burnt out lights
Faded walls and floors of concrete
Where I'll look in the cracked mirror
And everything will be much clearer

See you later lover
I have to go to work now
To my cubicle
No windows but there's shutters
To shut away my emotions
Burn my feelings and bring out my fever
Just fill up quotas
And leave this song to write it's own words

You ask me,"Why do you torture yourself?
It makes no sense degrading who you are."
And then I looked at you with a tear in one eye
Then you began to realize

Verse 2
In a distant place
Fall leaves start to fall free
From lonely trees
Being cut down for no reason
See you later lover
"No I don't need money I'm skipping lunch today"
Just so I'm starving
When i eat dinner with you

Chorus 2
I said to you "The pain makes me happier
When I see you in the afternoon
It's the wrong way to love
But it's the only way i know how."

I really enjoyed reading this song. The words made me think a lot and painted a picture in my head. I felt like I was watching a movie. I liked all of the ironies that laced this piece. Personally, I didn't like the rhyme scheme, but that's just a personal preference. The flow seemed kind of off, but maybe that's just on paper. It probably works when it's actually sung. Despite these minor flaws, I thought this was a great piece and I'm sorry I couldn't give you a proper crit. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

The Lady Of My Shrine

first off I liked the alliteration of the title itself...repeating it throughout was a good move.
Really enjoyed the first stanza, clever use of irony and contrast (mirror etc) apart from two minor issues. The AA rhyme scheme in the first two lines doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the piece, and gives a slightly less mature edge to what is otherwise a strong stanza. Secondly the use of 'shut away my emotions' is a bit cliche, and I don't think it is required because rest of the writing itself is emotive. Slightly hard to explain, but I thikn you're over simplifying your concept here.

Hope I've helped, would be grateful if you could crit 'Escape Plan' (link is in my sig).