#1
every new one is an oxygen tank
but when the air is gone then you draw a blank
"i have no use for you anymore," as they sink to the depths
you move on to the next, you move on to the next

i need you to breathe and there's nothing left
now i'm gasping for air, i can't hold my breath
when you're away i just suffocate

so i found a replacement for right now anyway
she gives me what i need but has nothing to say
we all can somehow justify our mistakes, and i do every day
and i do every day

we all can somehow hide our secrets away
and i do every day and
i do every day

i need you to breathe and there's nothing left
now i'm gasping for air, i can't hold my breath
when you're away i just suffocate

but it will catch back up with you
and me
and everyone will see

the truth isn't as pretty anymore
in the back of your head a lie that you''re looking for
the truth isn't as pretty anymore

any suggestions would be appreciated
revolution
Last edited by cut that city at Sep 10, 2006,
#2
very good, flows really well and the repetition works well. i would recommend giving it a real title. leaving it as "untitled" is ridiculously overdone. just my opinion.
#3
hey after i write some guitar for it i'll make a name for it
you're probably right
revolution
#4
To start off with, I thought this was amazing. I don't know, it just hit me. A title is definitely in order.

Quote by cut that city
every new one is an oxygen tank
but when the air is gone then you draw a blank
"i have no use for you anymore," as they sink to the depths
you move on to the next, you move on to the next
I liked it, the repitition in the last line made the point even stronger.

i need you to breathe and there's nothing left
now i'm gasping for air, i can't hold my breath
when you're away i just suffocate
This was great. The only problem I had with it was the last word. "suffocate" just didn't seem to fit to me.

so i found a replacement for right now anyway
she gives me what i need but has nothing to say
we all can somehow justify our mistakes, and i do every day
and i do every day
It all rymes, and this is why it flows so well. Be careful with ryming a whole stanza to the same sound though.

we all can somehow hide our secrets away
and i do every day and
i do every day
The repitition was very good again. A nice bridge or pre-chorus.

i need you to breathe and there's nothing left
now i'm gasping for air, i can't hold my breath
when you're away i just suffocate

but it will catch back up with you
and me
and everyone will see
Umm, didn't like this one as much. The ryme seemed a bit forced towards the end of the little stanza.

the truth isn't as pretty anymore
in the back of your head a lie that you''re looking for
the truth isn't as pretty anymore
Loved this verse/outro. Nothing to crit here, I liked it too much.

any suggestions would be appreciated


A good song. Needs a title for sure. Do it some justice. Crit mine maybe? In my sig.