#1
My life has changed
My days are strange
I still remember your name

Your life's a dream
To me it seems
Don't you know my name

Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate
This life you know was never ment to be
Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate

Since you went away
My life gets brighter everyday
I hope you'll stay away

I found my life since you've been gone
By my side I'll never be alone
Can't you stay away

Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate
These days are great but you'll never know
Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate

This life is great
This is my fate
She'll never be alone

Crit4Crit
#2
now I like simplicity, but I just think that this was to straight forward, seems like just a bunch of talk, I mean I am sure there is meaning to it, but I do also like metaphors and stuff that of which make writing much more birghter and full. I think this is missing the fullness, you don't always have to worry about rhyme, let it all come naturally, so I really didnt think to much of this piece simply because it was cliche, kinda boring, forced rhymes, way way way to simple of a read, just fix those up. I like the can you see fate line, cause it makes me think, I say you take that line and work up a whole new song with it.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#3
Society's Worm summed it up perfectly, but I guess I'll give it the once over.


Quote by Krystyon
My life has changed
My days are strange
I still remember your name
Very short. And simple. Mainly, I'd like to see another line added in here. It seems to finish to quickly.

Your life's a dream
To me it seems
Don't you know my name
Maybe blend this with the first stanza?

Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate
This life you know was never ment to be
Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate
You don't need to add in the hate part there, it gives the impression of a forced ryme too much. Especially following on in the next line.

Since you went away
My life gets brighter everyday
I hope you'll stay away
Yeh, again, the seemingly forced rymes bring the stanza down.

I found my life since you've been gone
By my side I'll never be alone
Can't you stay away
I liked this one the most because it didn't have as much of that ryming.

Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate
These days are great but you'll never know
Can you see fate
Can you feel my hate

This life is great
This is my fate
She'll never be alone
An odd way to end it. The problem seemed to have magically solved itself.

Crit4Crit


Other than that, ditto to what the Worm had to say. A good idea, but maybe a re-working
#4
I like this. To be able to write with simplicity is a talent many don't posses. Try to not force rhyming though by using the same word as said before its very rarely good. Also maybe a little to much rhyming.I didnt really like the ending either. See the whole work was about a problem and most, especially the way this one seems, dont go away that easy. Overall though I think it's a good portrayal. keep at it