#1
Hi all. Wasn't sure about posting this song. Got bored, but was in a good mood, so I thought I'd try my hand at a happier song. I just called it "Humidity", as I could think of nothing better. Crit for crit and all the other pleasantries.

Humidity

The day is brilliant,
With the illusion of heat.
The calm illusion.
All have gladly accepted.
The warm scented air,
Draped dense in the streets.
The humidity, refreshing.
For the first time this season,
The dew vanishes before 10.30.

It lifts us from our routines,
Begs us to come outside.
Come play a little.
The city of cold and rain,
Alive.
We walk down the path,
Walk for an hour or so.
All we want is a place to sit down.
But the ground beckons,
And we lie in wait for clouds,
To lead our imagination astray.

Sky high white vapors,
Criss-cross our vision.
Tease us with their freedom.
Their likeness to objects,
Misleadingly beautiful.
And we let them mislead.
Allow them to mesmerize.
The journey amazing.
Hinting at us, to draw us in.
The shapes stare down,
Finding our pursuits futile.

The soft underlay of earth.
So comforting,
We lie for hours on end,
Peaceful with the warm air.
Soft-lit trees, line open grass.
Swaying,
Though no breeze present.

Although almost over,
The day is still brilliant.
With its illusion of heat.
The warm scented air,
Draped dense in the streets.
For the first time this season,
The sun stays till 7.30.
Its soft light welcomed,
A closing goodbye?


-Turaki
#3
Hey Luke, Bloody sweet work. Yeah i've told ya what i thought of it already.

Later
Jamie
#4
That was nice have nothing bad to say. I appreciate your words on Can You See Fate. Thank you and I'll work on it today.
#5
im not a very good critic but i really liked that song and found nothing wrong with it, told a great story very well
#6
hey man love ya work,i like the last two lined the best!
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#7
Well as poetry it's a pretty awful. Your meter is all over the place and your ryhming pattern (when present) is random at best. As a song this piece doesn't flow all to well, someparts fit some come out of nowhere. Your sylabic count is far to compressed in some areas. The repetative use of certain words is offputting to say the least. Here are some examples:

"With the illusion of heat.
The calm illusion."

"We walk down the path,
Walk for an hour or so." (this one is not so bad)

"Misleadingly beautiful.
And we let them mislead."


Your last verse is also pretty weak:

Although almost over,
The day is still brilliant.
With its illusion of heat.
The warm scented air,
Draped dense in the streets.
For the first time this season,
The sun stays till 7.30.
Its soft light welcomed,
A closing goodbye?


The rhyming pattern/syllabic count/meter is waaaaayyyy wrong. Makes the last verse sound sooo repetative especially for the closeing verse. Somtimes the repetativeness can work but that isn't the case for this piece.

I don't want to sound like a jerk or anything, just giving an honest to goodness crit. This piece is weak though it does express some ideas quite well. Keep practicing!
#8
meh i'm not a fan of rhyme schemes so for me i thought it was heaps good (following my randomness and lack of rhyme(also turns out today i'm colour blind too (go figure))) so yeah it's pretty sweet and i like the title being from oz myself i can see what you mean one thing i think you could change was this

For the first time this season,
The dew vanishes before 10.30

maybe change the time to 9.11 or 10.11 i think it sounds better but thats just me

crit my piece, Shell Shocked Returns
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
Last edited by Scarcity at Sep 15, 2006,
#9
I don't know if this is a love song or what, but it really reminds me of how I lived when i was a kid. The wording is good, so many good phrases and words. I like how the ground beckons,
With the illusion of heat.
The calm illusion. is there a different word for illusion you could use? I don't know it just doesn't seem right even though it is.
Anyway awesome job. Crit 4 crit? links in my sig
ferret.