#1
hey, this is something i made having just come out of a rather short but anyiong block, can u plz crit, would be must helpful, ignore spelling misatakes lol, later.


Broken fingernails and empty bottles

My cold fingertips, My Bleeding lips
This scene is dead,
I hold my fists, black and blue
And wish for just one kiss,
Her prefect tier drops, Run down her check,
They mark like blood and stain her face,
This scene in dead,
My nerves are shot,
And your smiles kill me more,
Then this flesh wound ever could,
And gasp and try to clear my mind,
My head spins with the shine of your eyes,
I lose my mind, and forget my words,
Take my place, take my hand,
For all I care, I no she doesn?t

Broken fingernails and empty bottles,
My head is empty, my hart is deed,
She is all I want, but I hate the thought,
Subtle glances and unseen smiles,
And your eyes focus on someone else,
But I would kill for just a glance.

I made a promise to myself,
But I could trust my word, and it?s not her fult, I know,
But the blame lies to someone, More then your face to me,
And I never counted the times, that you said me name,
But my dead glass eyes, and my aching head,
Are not nothing to the sound of your voice,
And all I ask, is just one more chance,
And we will end it on a high note,
But I can only take so much,
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#2
plz some one, il cry lol, nah i need feed back just got over some bd righrters block plz..
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"
#3
Wow, cool imagery. You wrote some good lyrics and the title is AWESOME! My only comment is that I'm not sure if there is a rhyme scheme or not. Otherwise, good job.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#4
Well while pretty cliched, a lot, some lyrics were actualy pretty interesting as they flowed pretty well. Not all of it flowed well mind you but parts really felt good.

It really needs to be rewritten though, there are way too many "and"s and "but"s almost the entire bottom half is comprised of the words "and" and "but".

Good attempt now get to revising it, can't wait to crit some more!
#5
wow i never notived how much i used "and" and "but" till then thanks man
"Brunet hair and a kill shot"