#1
set my heart ablaze
and burry the ashes of every feeling
deep in an urn of memory
yet i carry on waiting for the day
when light shines in eternal warmth on this dead heart
and we ascend towards the gates of our paradise
my heart and soul are yours alone
through this life and in the next
even as the world we know grows black
i am bound to you for all time
i know what it's like
to be broken and cast aside
i would take your pain
as mine is made twofold
and smile becuase i know you're free
so i will wait untill that day
when what has perished will rise again
when the darkness no longer eclipses my heart


it's kind of short...
#2
by your short poetic venture, i can tell that you my fine sir have a rather large ribbed dildo residing in your ass. if this was the message you were trying to get across then bravo on your insightfull lyrical adventure.

p.s. your gay G H E Y gay... now would be the propper time to apply your o so nifty knee-pads , you sir are a fag
#4
ok, please tell me how the hell does writing a love song to A GIRL make me gay? you goddamn narrow minded bastard
#5
Alright before I try to crit, I have to say this: Ignore those assholes...Instead of giving any actual helpful criticism and giving insight, they say that? Anyways, I suppose I'll crit yours.

Quote by BringMeTheCalm
set my heart ablaze
and burry the ashes of every feeling
deep in an urn of memory
yet i carry on waiting for the day
when light shines in eternal warmth on this dead heart
and we ascend towards the gates of our paradise
my heart and soul are yours alone
through this life and in the next
even as the world we know grows black
Might I suggest using a word other than "black"? I suppose it could be fine in this context, although it is a bit cliched.
i am bound to you for all time
i know what it's like
to be broken and cast aside
Again, the word broken is a bit cliched. Maybe use something else, a synonym...whichever you'd like.
i would take your pain
as mine is made twofold
and smile becuase i know you're free
so i will wait untill that day
when what has perished will rise again
when the darkness no longer eclipses my heart
Again, cliched..."Darkness/eclipse of the heart". I'm not sure what I'd really replace it with, but that's your choice of course! Or, keep it the same. I can't really criticise emotion.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=430663
Please crit mine?^^; I'd really appreciate it.
Anyways, I hope I helped at least a little!
Good job, I liked it overall, although I noted the places I wasn't too keen on.

-Wahrheit Lied
I need a sig. :O!
#6
thanks. i appreciate your help and see what you mean about the cliche parts. now i'll go check out yours