#1
Through the Pale Sunrise at 5 o'clock

Cold sunlight filtered through dirty window panes
I'm naked and you, oh you're still the same
But this can't be, this can't be our synergy
this can't be, this can't be......me....

Dress yourself and your battle wounds
When you leave it's always much too soon
And i'm here, I'm here in bed with myself again
You smile and leave this cold apartment... leave me....be....

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...

Freezing floorboards on bare feet
Under the unmade bed where our bodies meet
But I'm scared too much to get out from this sheet
I'm too scared of you to get back on my......feet.......

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...

Another day in another life in another starry night
Could this have worked out? Could we have worked out?
In another damp apartment, with broken heat and broke-down bed springs
Could it be you and me, you and me, Could it ever be you and me?

Pale sunlight through once-foggy window panes
Silver shadows, regrets are all of us that remains
But you and me we could be the light thats shining clearly
We could have broken out in space but now you're no where near......me.......

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...

Do you want us to be?

What do you want us to be?

Do you even want us to, be........?
#2
I loved every bit of this.

Yeh, I really did, I don't even want to critique it because I'm scared I'll look stupid for not finding anything wrong with it.

I think the only thing I could say is that some of the repetition of words/phrases maybe did get slightly tedious, but then I think you got it to work for you and for the song )which is what I'm guessing this is ?)

Great writing.

Jamie

(cheap cry for a crit, it's in my sig if you could afford a sec or two to just leave a comment. )
#4
Quote by Phoebus
Through the Pale Sunrise at 5 o'clock

Cold sunlight filtered through dirty window panes
I'm naked and you, oh you're still the same
But this can't be, this can't be our synergy
this can't be, this can't be......me....

Dress yourself and your battle wounds
When you leave it's always much too soon
And i'm here, I'm here in bed with myself again
You smile and leave this cold apartment... leave me....be....
The first stanza was fine. The last line of the second is a little confusing, it seems to change from narrative to a request.

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...
Far too many cliches. I know that sometimes people like to use them, but the first and fifth lines especially just have no grip whatsoever. I'm sure the constant be, me, key rhyming would overwhelm the listener if it was a song.
Just being honest, but I definitely think you should rework this chorus.


Freezing floorboards on bare feet
Under the unmade bed where our bodies meet
But I'm scared too much to get out from this sheet
I'm too scared of you to get back on my......feet.......
First two lines great, second two not so. Again, just lacking any real intelligence there.

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...

Another day in another life in another starry night
Could this have worked out? Could we have worked out?
In another damp apartment, with broken heat and broke-down bed springs
Could it be you and me, you and me, Could it ever be you and me?
This one's quite good, except for the last line.

Pale sunlight through once-foggy window panes
Silver shadows, regrets are all of us that remains
But you and me we could be the light thats shining clearly
We could have broken out in space but now you're no where near......me.......
I'm OK with this.

Shut the door now....
Turn out the light on you and me
This is so much less than we wanted it to be
Close the blinds
Close the lock and throw away the key
This is so much less than I wanted it to be
Than I wanted us to be...

Do you want us to be?

What do you want us to be?

Do you even want us to, be........?
For this ending you could remove the first of the single-line stanzas, because it takes any kind of impact away from the last one.


Overall, I honestly think this could do with a lot of work to make it a really appealing song. The rhyming 'ee' sound would be too much by the end, and there were far too many cliches to make it have any striking individuality.
Quite possibly that was purposeful by you, I don't know, but I still don't reckon it's a wise road to go down.

I hope I've been of some help.
#5
Like the first reply.. I'm not all too advanced in the way of critiquing.. usually, I either like something, don't, or I am just impartial.

On this.. I like it.

Everything makes me imagine the place perfectly, even though there aren't many descriptive words.

I think its great when a song takes you somewhere.. and this is one of them

I like it is all I can say.. sorry!