#1
So my moving date got put forward a week ...

Find something poetic in the gust of wind
Blowing paper across the road
Feeling you?ve found paradise.

And you see two kids, family planning
Clinics their only safe haven,
The irony clearly lost on such old-young minds.

Interlinked, they cross road and bridge
Her eyes on his eyes, his eyes on her chest,
Still flat, slack and unyielding.

Find something romantic in the buzzing
Of a sickly-amber streetlight
And you know you?ve found paradise.

And you see two kids, a battered bus
Shelter their only safe haven;
A tasteless taste in such young mouths.

Find a tear in some gymslip girl?s eye
And you know this is paradise.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
Quote by broken_bottles
So my moving date got put forward a week ...

Then good evening to you, fine sir.

Find something poetic in the gust of wind
Blowing paper across the road
Feeling you?ve found paradise.

Any reference to the bag from American Beauty? I'd like to see some commas in here. Nice opener.

And you see two kids, family planning
Clinics their only safe haven,
The irony clearly lost on such old-young minds.

Great, as usual.

Interlinked, they cross road and bridge
Her eyes on his eyes, his eyes on her chest,
Still flat, slack and unyielding.

Again, great insight and attention to the details needed to move the piece on, instead of just making it look pretty- just how I like it.

Find something romantic in the buzzing
Of a sickly-amber streetlight
And you know you?ve found paradise.

Again, I would like to see more punctuation here. "sickly-amber" is just the sort of colour description I'd love to see after way too much "crimson" of late. Again, solid stuff.

And you see two kids, a battered bus
Shelter their only safe haven;
A tasteless taste in such young mouths.

Not sure about the repetiton of Haven, I guess it drives the point home but I'm just nit-picking here.

Find a tear in some gymslip girl?s eye
And you know this is paradise.

Swell.


Always a pleasure Alex

Jamie
#3
This is one of the best i've read on here for a while. Thoughtful without being over indulgent, really made me think. Use of irony was effective when introducing the issue. 'Her eyes on his eyes, his eyes on her chest' really shows the promiscuity of the boy who is about to undertake great responsibility. Great imagery with the bus shelter and street light, very well articulated. I can't actually criticise anything, sorry! Please crit escape plan in my sig, thanks.
#4
Quote by jackw
This is one of the best i've read on here for a while. Thoughtful without being over indulgent, really made me think. Use of irony was effective when introducing the issue. 'Her eyes on his eyes, his eyes on her chest' really shows the promiscuity of the boy who is about to undertake great responsibility. Great imagery with the bus shelter and street light, very well articulated. I can't actually criticise anything, sorry! Please crit escape plan in my sig, thanks.


theres no point me saying anything when jackw basically said what I was thinking.
Good Job
#6
I really like the overall feel of these lyrics and the street light verse reminded me of something from the old school dick tracey films haha. The only part that put me off a little was the "gymslip girl" kind of took me out of the mood of the words. Other then that I like it a lot, much more interesting then most of what I see.
#7
yeah now that i think about it, gymslip feels a bit akward in this piece.. but thats just me.. and brokenkingdom.

but still other than that... I think its great personally.

if you could crit my latest anything good or bad it would be appreciated

peace
#10
Find something poetic in the gust of wind
Blowing paper across the road
Feeling you?ve found paradise.
Pretty good beginning. Good flow, interesting image, and sets your piece up well.

And you see two kids, family planning
Clinics their only safe haven,
The irony clearly lost on such old-young minds.
I think this is an excellent contrast with the beginning, and starts to get the reader thinking very well.

Interlinked, they cross road and bridge
Her eyes on his eyes, his eyes on her chest,
Still flat, slack and unyielding.
This stanza I do not get. I'm fairly confident the piece as a whole would improve if you removed it, because it just doesn't really add anything to it.

Find something romantic in the buzzing
Of a sickly-amber streetlight
And you know you?ve found paradise.
This is good again. Like Jamie mentioned, a comma at the end of the second line would work wonders.. Another interesting image.

And you see two kids, a battered bus
Shelter their only safe haven;
A tasteless taste in such young mouths.
I reckon you could move this one up to replace the third stanza, as the reference to 'two kids' would work better that way, I think.

Find a tear in some gymslip girl?s eye
And you know this is paradise.
I'm honestly not sure what a 'gymslip girl' would be, purely because I haven't heard the expression before. Maybe that's the reason why I don't really like this finishing stanza, as it doesn't seem to have a very elegant manner about it.

Altogether an intriguing piece, filled with contrasting images. In all honest, I may have got a bit confused by the end, but it certainly was thought-provoking.

If you could spare a mo' to take a look at mine in my sig', 'twould be great.
#11
I'm not sure how you don't get the third stanza. Jackw has it cock on in terms of meaning. 'Gymslip girl' means a mother who is a minor. It's an expression that's been coined in the media recently. Thanks for the crit though...if I haven't got back I will.

Anyone else?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#12
Ah I read this again.

Then once more.

I've noticed you really are beginning to inspire how I write my prosey/poetry sort of stuff. I spose that's a compliment ?

Jamie