#1
whatever....i wrote it last night, it sucks i know....


Like that picture of me on your wall
The bonds slowly break
As both me and the picture fall

What the hell is wrong with me?
Never again will I have a girl like you,
A girl that makes me happy
Cause I messed it all up

And you cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies
We tore it all down

It’s so damn crazy
That I'm too strong
To move on
But I’m way too weak
To keep you by my side

As the days go by
I miss you more and more
I see you with another guy
And ask myself “what am I fighting for?”

And you just cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies
We tore it all down

Cause we tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down
UG's HIPPIE
Last edited by ~G{}{}BER~ at Sep 30, 2006,
#2
Like that picture of me on your wall
The bonds slowly break
As both me and the picture fall

I liked that
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#3
Like that picture of me on your wall
The bonds slowly break
As both me and the picture fall

Great opening, nothing wrong with it in the least

What the hell is wrong with me?
Never again will I have a girl like you,
A girl that makes me happy
Cause I messed it all up

Kinda vague, cliche, too raw, unpolished if you will. I'd keep the thought, and put it into something more descriptive... it's better to show than to flat out tell.

And you cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies

First two lines are fine, last two need revision.. kinda cliche and don't seem to flow well.

It?s so damn crazy
That I'm too strong
To move on
But I?m way too weak
To keep you by my side

Don't know what to say on this one... it's ok

As the days go by
I miss you more and more
I see you with another guy
And ask myself ?what am I fighting for??

Decent... maybe change the last two to "I see you with someone else/ and ask what I'm fighting for" just flows better, the other words were kind of unneccesary

And you just cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies

Cause we tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down

Not a bad ending...

Overall, I'd say it's ok... it needs some work, but if you put some honest work into the revision process it'll come out a little less cliche and more awesome.. definitely keep the first stanza though, cause it was brilliant
#4
lol "show not tell" my english teacher always says that lol
thanks for the help.... i'll fix it up when i have the time.... thanks for the honesty.....
UG's HIPPIE
#5
Like that picture of me on your wall
The bonds slowly break
As both me and the picture fall
awesome opening! change nothing

What the hell is wrong with me?
Never again will I have a girl like you,
A girl that makes me happy
Cause I messed it all up
i'm seeing why this song isnt as good as it could be....change all the stanzas like your first one keep the rhyming for flow. when you made the other stanzas u lost the format completely!

And you cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies
We tore it all down
add a little more to the chorus. elaborate on the reason for the break up. it would give more imagery

It?s so damn crazy
That I'm too strong
To move on
But I?m way too weak
To keep you by my side
i like the first 4 lines. the last one seems outta place. elaborate on the strong and weak. like "its so damn crazy that i'm way too strong, way too stubborn, to let you move on, but i'm way too weak, too damn complicated, and now youre gone.

As the days go by
I miss you more and more
I see you with another guy
And ask myself ?what am I fighting for??
Im really feeling this verse and it goes well right after the chorus.

And you just cant stand
To give me one more chance
Our relationship was based on the truth
But the break up, based all on lies
We tore it all down

Cause we tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down
Tore it down
maybe put...cuz we tore it all dowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn.....dowwwwwnnnnn, tore it all down.

overall its a really good piece. a few tweaks here and there and this could be awesome. if you could crit my latest piece.....https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=447843
#6
yeah, i'll check yours out later and i dont have time to fix anything...thanks alot for the hlep...i knew this was missing stuff and i just kinda threw it all together and how you put it it would sound better

keep on keepin on

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#7
seemed pretty boring to me to be honest.
the only hint of a metaphor (the broken picture thing) has been done to death, and the rest was unimaginative and vague. like you are just chatting about what you are feeling instead of interpreting those feelings artistically and uniquely.
also it starts with a rhyme scheme, but quickly drops that, only to pick it back up again make up your mind, and if you choose to keep the rhymescheme, be careful of forced rhyme.
overall, its alright as a nice little song, but it really lacks depth and personality. anyone could have written this about any relationship and it just doesnt make the reader care about what happens.
you need to work on flow, sort out the rhymes and add in some alliteration and asonance.
also the content could do with a bit of jazzing up with some literary techniques, like more advanced metaphors.

keep at it

peace out.

and have a butchers at my pieces, if youd be so kind
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#8
I really like that is it a poem or a song
I am not a singer so I just read it like a poem and I really liked it because ir is alot like the "anti-love" poems that I write
Good poem keep it up
I will be posting one later so crit please

EDIT: I really like the use of that simile in the first stanza
Last edited by dazzler16 at Oct 14, 2006,