#1

Crit4Crit.

If the ocean reflects the sky
Does the sky reflect the ocean
And if the sun is just one big lie
Is the system still in motion?
And the world is always moving
But the end is what were proving

And the death brings news of laughter
the moon & sea last ever after

If the stars are never lasting
Will our lives soon be passing
If the oceans all thats last left
Will the moon become our last bet
And you know how the sun is dying
Well the oceans allways crying

And the life brings news of disaster
the moon & sea die ever after
Last edited by misinform tyler at Sep 11, 2006,
#2
i definately like this. the first stanza reads as if it is cut off, like there should be another two lines. of course i can see how it could work depending on the music and the singing. i dont really like the aa bb cc rhyme scheme of the third stanza as much as the ababcc of the first. i love the way you move your words though, definately looking forward to reading more of yours.
CAN I GET A +1?!
#3
Cool, it really got me thinking. Your rhyme scheme in the first stanza is different than the others, but that really isn't a huge issue, I don't think. Nice wording. Keep it up.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton