#1
A bit o' history here. Leave a link, if you want.
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One capacious, communal room;
One line of ash; but no broom
To stir one smouldering ember
No knife-blade could dismember.

Lax bodies line the floor like ribs
(Bones that guard against spear tips)
As bars that constrict like young age;
An ash-sternum joins the cage.

Elders respect my youthful ways,
Lenient, as in Norseman days.
??Business?? is an impeding word
In a growing hunter?s world.

Lying low helps my infancy
Breathe, as above raw fumes seethe
And escape through windows up high
Portraying a bleary sky.

I sleep in my dying manger,
On a mattress of danger,
Understanding what I?ve been told
Before, seeking warmth, I roll.
Last edited by CJW at Sep 11, 2006,
#2
I see nothing of note to complain about here.

Not outstanding, but you're usual consistent self.

Sorry I had no help to offer

Jamie
#3
I didn't like this one. To be honest it felt kind of like it had a bouncy rhythym/meter to it. And i don't really like that. If that is what you were going for than great,you accomplished it. but i hated it. I got sick of the rhyme scheme by the end of it.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
Hmmmm, I think it got too rhymyish-esque-ous inbetween the second and third verse. I don't like the knife reference. Third verse was interesting in a good way. Fourth verse not so much, sounds forced almost. The last verse was kind of wanting like there should be more to it something to conclude it some kind of sound refrain that signifies a conditino met. Then again this could all be drunken rambling.

Not the worst but far from the best. keep it up!
#5
I like the first two lines - flows well. As it goes on though,the rhyming scheme does seem to get lost, or maybe i just can't follow it so well. Wasn't too keen on lastverse, mainly the danger part, seemed too quick with the line above it.

A good read never the less.
#8
Sounds boring and like a poem, to be frankly honest. I didn't read it all. Don't think it will appeal to most audiences.
hi. i'm blake, and yes, i am a girl.
#9
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
Is this about a Scandinavian legendary hero named Starkad by any chance?

I'm not familiar with that character, so no, it's not directly about him, but it's probably how he grew up.
#10
i thought it was quite average. i haven't been to S&L for several months so i haven't seen any of your previous work. but i think at times this was great but others didn't agree with me. i thought the opening couple of stanzas were a little weak but the last was somewhat a saving grace.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#11
Ok, this was really good of course, but i personally am fed up with your usual 4 line stanzas! I want to see you experiment! You have so much talent as a writer and it's not that it's going to waste, it's just not being fulfilled. So please, do yourself a favour and experiment with different layouts and structures.

I am have new one up if you're at all interested
#12
Good to see you still around CJW.

I gave your piece a read-through and its of pretty much the same standard you've always used - if I remember well.

It doesn't come anywhere near your best pieces though.

The flow in your poetry has remained as fluent as ever, same with your rhyming - you've made the verses rhyme without actually forcing yourself.

What I think is the piece's biggest flaw is its lack of a concrete story - its the tale of a norse hero, but remains quite abstract, it could be just any hero.
#14
I liked the first three verses far more than the last two. The comparison between the people and a rib cage was very inventive. Then again, no one else seemed to think that, so maybe I don't visit S&L enough. Either way, I felt that it was good, especially the line about spear tips. The last verses just didn't fit for me, especially the "manger/danger" line. I just didn't like that one at all. The others seemed to go pretty well though.

I have to agree with the others; it was good, but it does need some kind of story. Right now, it feels like a description of a particular atmosphere. It does a nice job of recalling a bygone age, but it needs a narrative.

I would really appreciate it if you would check out my latest: Life
#15
some more mixed opinion: i think i actually liked the meter here, the way i read it, kinda quick, i dont know, hard to explain, but rythem-wise it was cool. Now the rhyme scheme was not as forced as most AABB's so that impressed me right off the bat. So good job rhyming too. As for what youre trying to say here i have no idea... but it was a good read anyway...

i havent sigged my latest song so here it is: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=435875

I would really appreciate a crit cause i looking to make it better...