#1
Again I was pretty boored and decided to write this. Tell me what you think.

(power chords siple but effective electric clean distortion)

Take This rope to its highest peak
Tieing down this catastrophe
Words are spoken though seldom heard
But I digress
We all had part in this

Bound to familiar strings
Imagery and mirrored things
Lay your measured discontent
In a verse and meter tapestry
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for meeee.

(little wammmy here gotsta love it )

I don't need your darkend rooms
Your bleeding heart and open wounds
Leave your dreams at my door
Or I'll cast them down
I don't want your suffering
Your crying soul is boreing me
I don't care
I'll cast them down
Don't put that on me

I talk to myself

(neck slide)

(strummed chord let ring for each key syl.)

Take this rope to its highest peak
Tieing down this catastrophe
Words are spoken though seldom heard
But I digress
We all had parts in this


Bound to familiar strings
Imigery and mirrored things
Lay your measured discontent
In a verse and meter tapestry
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for me
(ad infinitum)

Crazy fast electric solo wammying away.)

EDIT: Revised; Added guitar parts and figured I'de not that this piece was written because I was thinking about how cliche a lot of the pieces are I've been reading. If you are interested in how it sounds vocaly and musicaly think eve 6.
Last edited by Brokenkingdom at Sep 14, 2006,
#2
Revised slightly, and now has chords but this thread is only for the lyrics Any crit? Any at all? how about you in the corner with the hairlip? Don't worry about giveing me suggestions I won't come looking for you and stalk you at your job, sifting through your trash like I did the last guy. Well at least not as much as I did the last guy.

Cheers
#3
Lmfao just for the post before mine im giving you a full crit

Quote by Brokenkingdom
Again I was pretty boored and decided to write this. Tell me what you think.

Take This rope to its highest peak
Tieing down this catastrophe
Words are spoken though seldom heard
But I digress
We all had part in this

Flow issues. Id says Take this rope to its highest peak and tie down this catastrope ( though might want to change catastrope) Words are spoken though seldom heard We all took part, and i disgress. Something like that, im just not liking the way it sounds now

Bound to familiar strings
Imagery and mirrored things
Lay your measured discontent
In a verse and meter tapestry
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for meeee.

kind of interesting here actually. Pretty good. though i dont like the strings- things rhyme

I don't need your darkend rooms
Your bleeding heart and open wounds
Leave your dreams at my door
Or I'll cast them down
I don't want your suffering
Your crying soul is boreing me
I don't care
I'll cast them down
Don't put that on me

this... stanza isnt so great. Its very clitche. "bleeing heart" "crying sould" "open wounds" Id advice changing this whole thing.
I talk to myself

Take this rope to its highest peak
Tieing down this catastrophe
Words are spoken though seldom heard
But I digress
We all had parts in this


Bound to familiar strings
Imigery and mirrored things
Lay your measured discontent
In a verse and meter tapestry
Play it on repeat for me
Play it on repeat for me
(ad infinitum)



Its fairly good, not the greatest, but alright.
#4
i love it. mucho (thats spanish). haha. the first stanza is gorgeaous, flowing, words. absolutely fantastic. the 3rd stanza i dont think was quite as melodic, but still strong nonetheless. the second stanza was also very strong, a good "settlement" if you will. very, very strong piece. i liked it alot. you gonna post a recording casue id love to hear it?
#5
It's not bad. It's just that none of it seemed to stand out, and it seemed a little generic. I think that the problem is with 'bored' writing. As there is no other incentive, this shines through and the reader picks up on this. However, that isn't to say that some of it isn't well written, indeed, I liked the last stanza, more for the flow, and the words seemed to wash very nicely. You've definetely got some writer potential, I guess it's just that this piece didn't quite 'do' it for me.

Alex.

I would appreciate a comment on mine, or something constructive. It's called paradise and it's on the first page.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#6
Haha wow thanks for the fast crit!

I'm glad you found that verse to be very cliched, the whole song was supposed to be about cliches! I wanted to cram as many as I could into that verse but just couldn't find a place for "Crimon blood", "[something, something] edge of a knife" or "Miasma"

And while I really just wrote it without meaning off the top of my head, I was thinking about how people need to stop trying to cram songs in rhyming patterns and stop talking about things like the said cliches and how budding bands all soun the same these days. It's meant to be played rather upbeat and fun.

P.S. Edit: Holy crap haha yay that last post is exactly what i was writting it for! haha
#7
lol good topic.

after knowing what its about its good.. but before i read the replies i was gonna be like, i dont like the strings part, and the.. blah blah... you get my point.

but for what its about i think you did a good job.
#8
I won't go into spelling errors as I'm sure you don't care, and I don't either for that matter, just to make you aware of them if you aren't.

the only thing is:

I don't need your darkend rooms
Your bleeding heart and open wounds
Leave your dreams at my door
Or I'll cast them down
I don't want your suffering
Your crying soul is boreing me
I don't care
I'll cast them down
Don't put that on me

I talk to myself

that. unlike trig I don't mind the cliche lingo as it can easily be seen as condescention, but the problem I have with it is the second half adds nothing. I'd suggest you cut the three lines inbetween "I don't need your suffering" and "don't put that on me." that'd be alright. I do like the word play with the I talk to myself line.

but what I most admire is the central line play it on repeat. I don't know, I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. keep it up
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in