#1
Crit 4 Crit these could be the lyrics to my bands latest song check it out because if too many ppl shut it down were goin back to the drawing board


******VERSE**********

i know you feel im empty
u push me more then i can take
please don't force it all upon me
one more time and it's gonna break


**********CHORUS***************
you crawl up from hell
just to fall from grace
it all crashes down
like a slap to the face


***********VERSE***************
you try so hard
and you still can't see
while you fight to keep
you only take away


(CHORUS)


********BRIDGE*******

Don't try and run from it
it'll only kick you when you're down
Don't try and run from it

IT WILL ONLY KICK YOU WHEN YOU"RE DOWN

(CHORUS)


****(extened)***VERSE********
you try so hard
and you push me more and more
You still can't see
that you dump the load on me
you fight to keep it takes away
last chance everything is gonna break
#2
Not bad, not bad at all. It flows well. The chorus is excellent. The verses are good. Looks like the message is about someone who pushes you too hard in life. Good job, it took me a second to figure out the message. You worded it pretty well. Keep it up!
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#3
Personally - i tihnk it would be better without slap and another word for a hit - just my opinion.
Quote by the bartender
^ this man knows his stuff.
#4
wow is there really nothing else to say about the peice that only two people said something???????????
#5
Quote by RontheRed
Crit 4 Crit these could be the lyrics to my bands latest song check it out because if too many ppl shut it down were goin back to the drawing board


******VERSE********** Labelling verses etc looks extremely amateurish

i know you feel im empty
u push me more then i can take Proper words also helps
please don't force it all upon me
one more time and it's gonna break

Cliche and pretty much been done before. There is nothing here thta really draws me into the song, no exciting flow, original ideas, witty remarks or interesting rhymes, metaphor or similie, or any imagery. It is too plain and direct to be of great interest.

Tour lines and then into a chorus? That shows either a lack of ideas or lazyness.

**********CHORUS***************
you crawl up from hell
just to fall from grace
it all crashes down
like a slap to the face

Same rhyming scheme and godawful flow as the verse, so automatically this becomes redundandt as a chorus that is supposed to be the hook, the anchor of your piece where you drive your point home. Read the lyrics tips thread to get some ideas on how to make your writing more exciting.


***********VERSE***************
you try so hard
and you still can't see
while you fight to keep
you only take away

That's just worse. Honestly, that's just bad writing. You've even lost your simple rhyme scheme, and actually managed to worsen the flow.


(CHORUS)


********BRIDGE*******

Don't try and run from it
it'll only kick you when you're down
Don't try and run from it

Boring, unnecesasry repetition.

IT WILL ONLY KICK YOU WHEN YOU"RE DOWN

(CHORUS)


****(extened)***VERSE********
you try so hard
and you push me more and more
You still can't see
that you dump the load on me
you fight to keep it takes away
last chance everything is gonna break

Not exactly the best connotations going on here with the language, it does sound like your going to the toilet. Again, pretty unoriginal.


I wouldn't have even critted this if I wasn't so bored. sorry for the harshness but I hope you're someone that actually wants to improve their writing and can take it on the chin, rather than have a hissy fit about it and keep spewing about pieces like this.

Jamie