#1
Here you go. Crit for Crit. If you read it please let me know what you think. It's not very long at all. Also in the last stanza do you think it would sound better if i stuck to a more similar sounding to tolerance, like maybe faithfullness instead of modesty??


Thank my jealousy.
Forgive my arrogance.
I hate them more than you do.

Welcome my loyalty
Believe in honesty
You need them just like I do.

Forget me loneliness
Forget me pride
Forget me callousness
Forget me shame

Embrace me modesty
Embrace me courage
Embrace me tolerance
Embrace me life
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#2
Short isn't always a bad thing I like it. I could see it working in an acoustic fingerpicknig style song really well. Thouh it might need a closing verse or something of that sort.

Can't explain it but I like it.
#3
Excellent title.
This one's sort of hard to give a good crit to, but I definitely think that faithfulness works better than tolerance with the general theme you have in the last stanza.

I really liked it, but I'm not sure, maybe I'm just stupid but I don't know exactly why 'thank my jealousy', it seems sort of odd unless there was a specific thing that your jealousy should be thanked for. But normally you wouldn't thank jealousy.

I agree with the above fellow, if you do indeed want to put it to music then his suggestion would be good. Although it's fine the way it is, it's very clear in it's message and I like it because it's not particularly dark but more hopeful, wishful and regretful though the regrets are being forgiven (supposedly). Yeah, good job, sorry I didn't really help much, it was fantastic though, simple.

Could you please comment on mine as well?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=431957

Thanks.
#4
Personally, further, I didn't feel this one very much. I liked your last one a lot, but this piece is lacking any meaningful insight, I think.

It's altogether pretty simple, and there's just nothing to make the reader think very hard. The last two stanzas especially just lacked any kind of impact, and were basically quite trite.

I'm sorry, but it just did not grab. I get the feeling your taking time to get back into the swing of things, so please keep posting your stuff up here for me to have a butcher's at.
#5
Seems very similar to Alanis Morrisette's 'Thank You', but I like it a lot. Maybe add a couple of verses and it could be a really nice acoustic song as mentioned before.
#6
i like short pieces, no need to add any stanzas

i thought it had a good message, i can really relate to it. But because its so short the repetition is relatively very long. I do like the more subtle repetitions, at the end of the first and second stanza for instance.
and modesty fits fine, i think.

nice job keep it up

if you would please take a look at mine? Melancholy . thanks
#7
ah i see. actually i had been listening ot htank you by alanis morissette earlier in the day when i wrote this so that explains that. and thank my jealousy. is kind of like a.... sarcastic type response. Thank my jealousy for what has happened. kind of thing.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?