#1
I caught a man crying on a park bench,
his beard uneven and his eyes still red.
A little less than a man perhaps,
though his mind was strong and his heart had bled.
Eventual retrieval of his consciousness
let him notice my glasses glinting in the moonlight.
?Tell me boy, have you ever been
to the top of a mountain where the sun was so bright,
where a forged cherub dangles a silver rope
just high enough so that you will jump
and jump, and jump until you are wavering
on the edge of a crag of a steep slump
and you fall, and fall, and fall until you?re
below where it is that you started??
No, I replied hesitantly, I hug the mountain;
I am an egotist, never a martyr.

Bowing his head he stole away, to his own
who-knows-whats; want-not-whos.
And I broke my pencil as I traced his mind
my ruler seemed too straight to choose
between a burnt out Christmas light
and a knife too close to home.
I walked across the fresh-cut lawn
and stepped over some mildewed bones,
I crept over some nail-pierced walls
and ended my creep on a warped, rusted saw.
My voice broke out in a vermilion song;
though sweet, it rang silent and raw.

A raven took up my croaking dirge
and crowed and cawed until he heard
a crying man keel over and fly
back to the vacuole from whence he emerged.

My glasses were cracked, though they took the light well;
my fingers were shaking, but my mountain stood strong.
I strayed to the top and heeded the slight cell
that carried the cherub?s sweet swinging rope song.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Just wrote this so I haven't edited so if you noticed any spelling mistakes or grammatical/punctuation errors please note them.
Thanks.
Last edited by jamminbass at Sep 12, 2006,
#2
"Tell me boy, have you ever been" I was seriously almost expecting the next line to be "in a turkish prison" haha I hope you get what i'm talkign about.

but the piece started out well. good descriptions of the man. But i wasn't big on the conversation you had with the man.

yeah i guess it's just not my style of reading at all. But I thought it was decent.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
Started out great! but quickly started to fall apart. Some of the imagry is great while some was a bit lacking. Overall I think its pretty decent I give it a thumbs up with room for improvment. One thing I didn't like was the "bleeding heart" I think that needs removal asap haha
#4
Conversation with the guy had some cheesy parts
"Bowing his head he stole away, to his own
who-knows-whats; want-not-whos."

A little dr seus in there?
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it took you 15 consecutive hours of practice to realize that playing guitar makes you better at playing guitar. congratulations.


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SMOKE UN-DER WATER!!!


#5
I liked it
I keep the wolf from the door, but he calls me on the phone, tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up, steal all my children if I don't pay the ransom, but I'll never see them again If I squeal to the cops.
#6
Quote by feltgrape
Conversation with the guy had some cheesy parts
"Bowing his head he stole away, to his own
who-knows-whats; want-not-whos."

A little dr seus in there?



Dr Seus?

I guess it could be seen that way...it's more like his private thoughts that do not include lust. But whatever you like.


And sorry I'm not taking out his heart had bled part, though I sort of wish I had thought of a better way to say he had been scarred. meh.