#1
As often the example reads
Ample lies and ample leads
Running out on your belief
Gods in stride of straddled streets

One lost bird becomes the other
A little lie defies another
So waking up to common sense
Is of a little consequence

But like the wings of phoenix, light
Is devoid in all the night
For eloquence without delight, shows
The murderer is full of life
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A new piece, different type of style, hope you enjoy it crit for crit
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Sep 12, 2006,
#2
It's really good (as usual :P). The last two lines are great.

Is of a little consequence

Shouldn't that be "Is of little consequence"?
Last edited by the_me_effect at Sep 12, 2006,
#3
Haha, the line's meant to insume sarcasm, (insume is the right word right? insume meaning assume of a different context? anyway).

Therefore the line means "is of a LOT of consequence" but that doesn't work :P thanks ally
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
Quote by Auals
As often the example reads
Ample lies and ample leads
Running out on your belief
Gods in stride of straddled streets
Straddled streets? Is that even possible? It rymed well, and fitted in without sounding forced, but it didn't seem to make alot of sense to me. Could you explain what is meant to say? Maybe I'll understand it then.

One lost bird becomes the other
A little lie defies another
So waking up to common sense
Is of a little consequence
Yeh, like the other guy, I'm not really seeing the sarcasm here. The suggested line for this I think would work alot better. Nothing else bothers me about this stanza, I quite enjoyed it.

But like the wings of phoenix, light
Is devoid in all the night
For eloquence without delight, shows
The murderer is full of life
Mmmm, I really liked this stanza. It flowed well. Some really nice "big words" in there, without overdoing it.
__________________________________

A new piece, different type of style, hope you enjoy it crit for crit


Nice title. I always like a good title. Crit for crit? Link in sig.
#5
I liek the first stanza man. it was good. second is good, third is weakest.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?