#1
if you look closely you'll see
we've always been dating unofficially
a subconscious romance
perhaps not so much physically
but now maybe?
with you asleep in the passenger seat
and me wondering
if you're in a good or bad dream

out of habit I break eighty,
ninety, speed by instinct
that's a bad thing

although this late night
highway is open and mine
frees my mind
to empty parking lot
driving
blinking stoplights
signaling to nobody

I am in control
I slow down
drive slower,
slow-

taking you home
I can watch
you or the road
but not both
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Sep 12, 2006,
#3
It's perfect for what it is.

It's just nothing amazing. But it's great to be able to write it that smoothly. The problem I have with your pieces is that they all seem pretty similar and never seem to change to much.

Still good to read though.
#4
it's perfect for a stereotypical sentimental song used to cajole my sweetheart (especially when a good portion of the pieces I've written about her are subtle attacks on her character...well, not so subtle) into thinking I haven't lost my hopeless romantinc side that nobody's seen in years.

on the other note: no, I haven't posted it before it's just that all my pieces sound the same since they have the same rhyme scheme and flow. also I write about driving a lot.

thanks for your time guys, I do appreciate it.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#6
I love it sir. It's fantastic.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
It's got a good idea and a nice couple lines for a poem at the end, but other than that it's nothing new. I don't think it is very well written, personally. Poem; go for it. Song; cliche and overused.
#9
Quote by thepickups
Bet she'd like to read it.

god I'd have to kick my own ass though. you know? plus it's her move and I'm a mule.

chances of me putting it to music are slim. there's a line and I give the ones that I thnk are good priority.

I'm glad some of you guys like this though.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#10
What struck me as unsual is hwo you were able to stay concise thhroughout the piece, very well structured IMO. Oh and this just begs for Elliott Smith. Too bad he's dead
#11
Elliott Smith died?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
oh jesus!

I just found out today Kurt Cobain killed himself too.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#14
^Not Kurt!


K, so i critiqued this yesterday but apparently it didnt go through and I really dont remember what I wrote so this is completely new! yay!

****, i really dont have anything to say, uh, did you edit this since I last read it? it seems loads better. k, i have no problems at all so i'll list what I enjoyed: even though this piece is fairly similar to your others and possibly not up to the same standard I believe you did a tremendous job showing and setting up a clinic of internal rhyme and perfect flow. The topic, though mildly cliche and on the topic of some of your other stuff, still sounds fresh in my ears and even if it is a repeat, i will never grow tired of this style. Great job again, do you record these by the way, if so i would love to hear them.

and i know this crit didnt help you but if you have any free time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695
#15
I don't yet. but I just came into a substantial amount of money and hope to buy a new computer + some recording gear. then I'll put some of these down. however I haven't really written music to most of them. I kind of just wing it and see what sticks for the music so if you've got any requests about which ones you'd like to hear let me know and I'll do those first.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#16
I like it, it's not brilliant, but its fun. It's simple done right. Good work. I don't like the line "I am in control" sounds toooo harsh, almost like "I'm in control, say my name biznotch" instead of sounding as though the control has been regained.

You know unless thats what you were going for, then it's pretty much spot on.

*cough* you know, *ehem* if say, anyone were to crit the pieces in my sig, I wouldn't be upset...*cough* you know, just, uh, throwing that out there... *whistle*

P.S. If you don't know what to get I know a good bit about recording equiptment, you could always pm me. I'de be more then glad to help.
#18
i would change the line "taking you home" to "take you home"
also maybe work on restructuring and simplifying the first verse.
#19
I was thinking of cutting the first stanza entirely. I was just trying to think of a new way to add in that she's sleeping since that's an important detail. what do you think?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#20
So, are you gonna rape her in her sleep? r do you mean, a physical relationship, when she wakes up?
#21
hahaha. I was hoping nobody would think about that literally. yeah, I mean the general form of now. not while she's sleeping.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in