#1
I closed my eyes for hope, Blind, But Could see,
That you had fallen, pushed, jumped, left without me,
Denial, It?s the same as living a lie,
Smiling at you, in the mirror I cried,
Paranoia? Or just hiding from fear,
Broken and dying, wishing you here,
Light never leaves, but it cannot be seen,
When darkness rubs past it, no longer clean,
Bottom of the bottle, a spark showed your face,
A swig later, tear drops, confusion erase,
How could you go, without a goodbye?
A star in the night, a cloud in the sky,
But maybe my star, you are really still there?
Lost behind the blue, Tangled in the prayers,
I sit and I wonder, I gaze into my head,
I live the memories, now the future is dead,
The beds made.
Please come lie in it.
#2
Wow...i liked it. Very good imagery, it brought really neat pictures to my mind. I didn't really like the end though, it didn't fit with the rest of it. The "a swig later" line seems a bit odd to me as well, and doesn't make much sense but perhaps i'm just interpreting it wrong or something.
Overall, really nice though, i liked it a lot, despite my semi-harsh criticisms .

Crit for crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6797607#post6797607
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Last edited by Piltdown at Sep 12, 2006,
#3
Didn't care for this much...

Blind/fallen/living a lie/broken/light/ect. ect. ect. cliche, cliche, cliche...

Try defining the situation you are writing about, single out key events, emeblish on them. Think of telling a story, every story has key "turning points" if you will and everything thats not a turning point leads up to a turning point. I hope I'm making sense and I hope it will help you with your writings.
#4
A few cliche lines but besides that, perfect!
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