#1
Crappy little proseish strange piece, definitely not my best, but crit for crit. enjoy.

I squinted my eyes, readjusting to the fluorescent lighting. Drowning, in the luminescent sea. Adapting. I looked down, staring at the white marble tiles. Wading through the waters, bubbling with a million small specks of interest. Adapting. I looked up, seeing a man wearing a white scrub and a 5 o?clock shadow. Swirling and spinning in a whirlpool of confusion. Adapting. I was reborn, here I am the, drowning luminescent, bubbly doctor with a white scrub and a 5 o? clock shadow. Resurfacing from the depths. Adapting.
Last edited by DanteR* at Sep 13, 2006,
#2
Ok, not horrific, but not good either. I feel you need to start showing instead of telling. Start expressing how you feel/felt and stop saying. Don't describe items describe the moment.

Not bad, not good, somewhere on its way! Keep writing!
#3
I squinted my eyes, readjusting to the bright fluorescent lighting. Drowning, in the luminescent ivory sea. Adapting. I looked down, staring at the white marble tiles.
Up to here you have got too many adjectives, and it really disrupts the piece. You need to remove a couple to get the reader interested.

Wading through the waters, bubbling with a million small specks of interest. Adapting. I looked up, seeing a man wearing a white scrub and a 5 o?clock shadow. Swirling and spinning in a whirlpool of confusion.
I think you bring in 'whirlpool of confusion' effectively because up to now the piece has just seemed jumpy, whereas we now see there is a reason for that.

Adapting. I was reborn, here I am the, drowning luminescent, bubbly doctor with a white scrub and a 5 o? clock shadow. Resurfacing from the depths. Adapting.
Maybe you used the 'Adapting.' thing too often, as I feel there was too much repetition of it.

Otherwise, this was OK. Certainly not as bad as you made out, I reckon the only thing wrong with it is it maybe lacks some inspiration.

I have a piece in my sig' if you don't mind.
#4
I enjoyed it. CJW probably has the piece covered, improvment-wise. I can't add anything.

Good stuff, Danter.

Jamie
#5
critty critty crit crit crit

I squinted my eyes, readjusting to the fluorescent lighting.
---nothing too bad here, nothing incredible, but its really intriguing

Drowning, in the luminescent sea.
---the punctuation here skews the effect I believe you were going for... plus this line isnt that exciting, as bad as it is, I think different types of lighting are slowly becoming cliche...

Adapting. I looked down, staring at the white marble tiles.
---I hate the word adapting, especially here, it honestly throws off your flow completely. The rest? nothing bad, though nothing good either

Wading through the waters, bubbling with a million small specks of interest.
---bah, too much scattered thought, even if that is one of the things you are going for; in this piece I would like to see you utilize detail and sensory details...

Adapting. I looked up, seeing a man wearing a white scrub and a 5 o?clock shadow.
--- meh, the repetition works i guess. the rest is really interesting.

Swirling and spinning in a whirlpool of confusion.
--- i realized whats wrong with this, you have no real connection with this piece, do you? you honestly dont care about it... this line is you just going through the motions.

Adapting. I was reborn, here I am the, drowning luminescent, bubbly doctor with a white scrub and a 5 o? clock shadow.
---meh, nothing good nor terrible. In order to get this to work as a culmination you have to have something to culminate and honestly you havent given enough substance in this piece to care about the culmination...

Resurfacing from the depths. Adapting.
--- I do enjoy the last line though, probably the best one in this piece


hahahahaha, I just saw CJW say that he wanted less adjectives. K, well dont listen to him, without adjectives you run the risk of the worst thing that could possibly happen to any writer, to lose the care and investment of the audience.

in short, dont trust CJ

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695
#6
Don't listen to synthy either. I didn't say abandon adjectives, I said you could cut out one or two at the beginning. Distrust me at your peril.

EDIT: I can see you had already edited in my suggested improvements before synth's critique, so cheers for doing it, and there's concrete evidence of my correctness.
Last edited by CJW at Sep 14, 2006,
#7
you guys and your adjectives. Oh well, I like the current state of the piece, the cutting of the words "bright" and "ivory" isn't changing the piece much. I was going for something simpler this time around anyways. I'll probably get to your pieces tonight
#9
Hey dylan, i said id get to this, lil late, but nothing wrong with a bump.

I agree i think this piece was just written in a lack of inspiration. One question, i didnt understand what you meant by the white marble tiles at the bottom of hte ocean, dont know what thats exactly representing. Things i thought good, the "wearing the 5 o clock shadow" Its different then just having one and that was good. Also, i thought the bubbling with a million small specks was good as well. (excluding the of interest part) Kinda showing that by an ocean your only a speck, and the bubbling word in there two really helped, so in all i didnt really like it. But you got some good parts in it.