#1
The inspiration for these lyrics came from some girls I know/have heard of. It's always confused me, the way guys can treat them like crap, even going to the point of beathing/raping them, and yet they come back for more.

I used Nero and his position over Rome as comparisons. To appreciate this, you'll probably have to know a bit about Nero and how corrupt he was.

REWRITTEN

After some great advice from pooch, I rewrote this. Every line now has 8 syllables each, and I changed a lot of the cliche lines. The old version is almost an embarresment to me, now. To everyone who critted this, thank you very much.

Oh, my Nero, come back to me
Vicious bastard, pure villany
Slash me deep with your words so cruel
If hate were love, I'd drink my fill

Play that ballad, so long and slow
That song for love I used to know
The one you played whilst people died
My city burned, through fires of lies
You lit the match that sparked the flame
And yet I find myself proclaim

Nero of my heart, I love you

Raping and looting innocents
You vandalized my innocence
I took the bait; I tripped the snare
Jailed in this cell; I toss the key

Nero of my heart, I love you


This is the old version, for those who care to read it:

Oh, my Nero, come back to me
You bastard, true evil, pure villany
I long for your hold, blue eyes like the sea
I long for your hateful heart in my arms

Play that song, long and slow
The song for love I used to know
The one you played whilst people died
As my city burned, and my heart cried
You lit the match that sparked the flame
Left me alone, stoked up my pain

Nero of my heart, I love you now.

Raping and looting those whom you rule
Raping me, robbing me, I was a fool
But I held your hand; I took your kiss
I forgave all your felonies; I love your kiss

Nero of my heart, I love you now.


Crit 4 crit!
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Oct 18, 2006,
#2
I'm not a songwriter, or anything like that, but I thought it was good, there isn't really anything i'd change, I know this isn't really a crit, but i'm telling you that you are going in a good direction with this.
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Quote by Xp3ns1v3
I thought it was illegal for women to use the internet.
#4
Oh, my Nero, come back to me
Perfect rhythm. The next next breaks this rhytm though, which is a shame. To keep the rhythm you'd have to go with something like "You bastard of pure villany"
You bastard, true evil, pure villany
I long for your hold, blue eyes like the sea
I long for your hateful heart in my arms
Has potential. Bad rhyme scheme. Blue eyes of the sea is cliché. Don't want to tell you where to go, but if I were you, I'd go with "I long for your hold, your silent alarms". If you change that and the second line of the stanza it really becomes a super strong stanza.

Play that song, long and slow
The song for love I used to know
Brilliant. Cohen. That's all.
The one you played whilst people died
As my city burned, and my heart cried
equally excellent, but once again terrible cliché: NEVER use my heart cried in a poem. "As my city burned all you denied" It fits the flow, the rhyme and the substance. The triple-crown of poetry.
You lit the match that sparked the flame
Bloody brilliant line! ****! I love this piece. If not for the really bad clichés (easily changeable) this is one strong piece of work.
Left me alone, stoked up my pain
stoked up is totally out of place with the lexicon you've been going for so far. I'm starting to see a patern here. Brilliant line, then forced line to play catch-up. We all do or did it, it's just something you grow out of through practice.

Nero of my heart, I love you now.
Nothing fancy, but well placed.

Raping and looting those whom you rule
Raping me, robbing me, I was a fool
Borderline weak rhyme, but it's still a relatively strong couplet.
But I held your hand; I took your kiss
I forgave all your felonies; I love your kiss
weak. " I forgave all the felonies you dismissed" A lot better.

Nero of my heart, I love you now.

All in all, I really appreciate the metaphor, it was fresh. It also reminded me a lot of a controversialpart of a poem I like a lot by Sylvia Plath that goes "Every woman loves a fascist/The boot in the face/the brute brute heart of a brute like you".
The weak lines totally ruin what is otherwise an amazing, dare I even say world-class piece. You can change them though, and this can become a GREAT piece. By all means, keep writing, you have a lot of talent and you need practice. I rarely recommend lines like I did here, but they all pretty much came to me, and I figured it could maybe help you. I will definetly be on the look out for more from you. You can get a lot out of this community as a writer, and remember, you get what you put into it as well. Welcome to S&L (if this isn't your first piece here, I've just made an ass out of myself )
#5
LOL, pooch, you just made an ass out of yourself You don't remember me? I made a thread in here with a bad subject line, you locked it, and then I PMed you with an apology. I guess you don't love me, though ...

Anyway, thanks for the crit. I like the thought you put into it. I really appreciate the advice, and I will be sure to incorporate your tips in my rewrite of this.

I hate to ask a favor of you, because you've done so much already, but would you mind critting two or three of the links from my sig? I have 5 submissions in there. I was just wondering, if you have the time, if you would be so kind? If you don't, that's cool too. You've done so much already!

Thanks for the crit, mate.
#6
Quote by lespaul_rentals
LOL, pooch, you just made an ass out of yourself You don't remember me? I made a thread in here with a bad subject line, you locked it, and then I PMed you with an apology. I guess you don't love me, though ...

Anyway, thanks for the crit. I like the thought you put into it. I really appreciate the advice, and I will be sure to incorporate your tips in my rewrite of this.

I hate to ask a favor of you, because you've done so much already, but would you mind critting two or three of the links from my sig? I have 5 submissions in there. I was just wondering, if you have the time, if you would be so kind? If you don't, that's cool too. You've done so much already!

Thanks for the crit, mate.


Yes, now I remember! That was a classy move btw. I should have also caught on to the 5 link in your sig as a clue this wasn't your first piece . Yeah, I'm not one for promises, but I will probably check them out, this one piqued my curiosity. Can't wait for the rewrite of this one, should be great. Oh and if you're interested, I have a series/storyline/epic going through most of my pieces on here, if ever your interested in any, insight is always appreciated.

#9
Okay, I just edited the first post, and put in the rewrite! Tell me what you think. Thanks again, everybody, especially pooch, for critting!
#12
Great. I have no critiscm, to be honest. Not neccesarily to my taste but great nonetheless.

Jamie
#14
Back again les paul rental, and ones again a very good song. i'm also busy on a new lyric again,


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#15
well..........good message but......im no song writter and am not fond og posted lyrics(mostly cuz they're ****
#16
lespaul_rentals - I thought the comparisons to Rome & Nero were quite clever, nice work with that

I also thought it flowed very well - however for me the first, "Nero of my heart, I love you", seemed a bit out of place, although without it the entire poem/story/song is seemingly irrelevant. So perhaps a rewrite of the first, "Nero of my heart, I love you" line??

Otherwise I'd love to see you do a longer version of this

Just my opinion anyhow, nice work dude!
#17
Big improvement from the first draft. I really enjoyed the second stanza. I know where your coming from too. I know girls like that and I'm a big fan of ancient Rome.
Turn Off Your Mind, Relax And Float Downstream

...and if you don't know where your going, any road will take you there
#18
Thanks for the crit, and the bump, mate! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Do you want me to crit anything of yours?
#19
Oh, my Nero, come back to me
Vicious bastard, pure villany
Slash me deep with your words so cruel
If hate were love, I'd drink my fill

First three lines are ok, but I like the last one for some reason.. overall this verse is pretty good.

Play that ballad, so long and slow
That song for love I used to know
The one you played whilst people died
My city burned, through fires of lies
You lit the match that sparked the flame
And yet I find myself proclaim

I like how this stanza develops. It goes about in a logical motion, and is easy to follow. It seems to be well-thought out, so I'd say this just fine how it is.

Nero of my heart, I love you

I like it..... nothing really else to say.. simple but good

Raping and looting innocents
You vandalized my innocence
I ate the bait; I tripped the snare
Jailed in this cell; I toss the key

Pretty good, not as good as the other verse though IMO... I like the first two lines though..

Overall I liked it quite a bit... it was well-thought out from beginning to the end.. it's amazing how pieces can change over time sometimes... keep up the good work