#1
Okies, we have anew piece thingy. Crit for crit (I'll return them a soona s I have the time. Exams start tomorrow )
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Prisms


The roof tiles are burning red
The light sets fire to my bed
And all at once the loneliness sinks in

I lie back with the setting sun
And watch as the day comes undone
The city sky gets filled up with spotlights

Orange clouds obscure the stars
The dim light highlights the scars
Both on my arm and somewhere in my head

The floor seems to be just as bright
Broken bottles reflect the light
I remember other things left broken
#2
It's pretty good but the last line is pretty wierd..But I like the imagery. It should probably be a little longer though, I feel like you could do more and it would be amazingly amazing.
ferret.
#4
yea very poetic and i love your style but to me this poem/song whatever dosen't seem finished, maybe it's me but besides that i love your desciptiveness and just overall a amazing peice of writting.
#5
Very good rhyming, just right. What kept it from being really superb was the change of rhytm at every line. If you had stuck to a fixed rhythm of stressed and unstressed syllable, this would have flowed a lot better. Syllable count (be it rough or exact) is only one part of the battle, but the alternating stressed and unstressed syllables are the key to flow.
#7
Okay people. I'll be free to crit and update over the week end so could you guys post/edit your previous posts to include links?
#8
It's nice...but lacks a little something, I think. You've used great adjectives and all but maybe a few metaphors to make the imagery stand out more?
And change a few words here and there. "The city sky is dotted with lights" maybe?
And "dim light highlights" is repetitive and sounds awkward.

Only the little details, though. The overall thing is quite good. Descriptive and poetic indeed.

Cheers