#1
Go for it, rip it to shreds; i don't care really, hence the title. This isn't hear for critique, i just wanted to share it, so here you are. Some don't like my concealing approach, well this isn't to satisfy anyone, but it's your lucky day.

Frank

Gleaming wide eyes like light bulbs through the dark. Not that I can see them of course; I can only listen to its mysterious calling, so utterly confused. I always sort of half wondered why blue was my favourite colour and, although, to be Frank, I?ll never quite know. I have a pretty good idea for once though. Thinking about all of this though, it?s taken it?s toll on my head; I?m beginning to doubt how good for you thinking actually is, perhaps another cause of cancer.

Not quite sure if owls are allergic to rain, but it did stop; hopped off my back and into silence, but my lingering was left in its footprints on my back.

Talking holds no value when you?re thinking and fixing has no purpose when it?s not broken. Critiques hold no reason when you?re Frank.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Sep 17, 2006,
#2
gotta say i liked it, didn't totally understand it but i did like the whole imagry of it. one main thing, don't use white txt it's damn near impossible to read. a crit of my song crush would be appreciated
#3
Hey, good to see you, I think both you and I haven't been on much of late.

I won't fully critique this as I don't beleieve you're bothered, therefore it would pretty much be a waste of effort on my part. However, I will say that this was an interestingpiece, that if you went back to and revised would be a pretty enjoyable read.

Hope all is well mate.

Jamie
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Hope all is well mate.

Funny you should say that... that's why i wrote this, in an attempt to get it all out; trouble is, i don't know what "it" is.

Thanks anyway JD.
#5
The cancer line is complete ****e. To waste such a strong word in a meaningless string of pap like that; is silly. You didn't even extend the idea or run it through. Change that.

The rest is nice. I like it more than your others, definately.

I would have maybe used to idea of "being Frank", to be an actual person to personify the adjective. It's a great method and would work here well.
#6
I somewhat agree with you with the cancer line.

I did personify "being Frank" by the way

Thank you very much indeed
#7
I will say it was okay, although I lol'd at the personification, in a good way. As was said, the cancer bit was a bit out of place, and that word has a harder sound than most of the other words in it.

One note, don't use white again. For us classic skin users it's a pain (if you're using classic, I won't retract my annoyance )
#8
You know, I liked it. It conveyed a lot of thought and really had nothing cliche in it at all.

However, the last stanza was totally random. I mean, I felt myself somewhat carried away until I reached the last stanza. It was so out of place, and ruined the flow, and the piece, for me.

Thanks for your crit on mine.
#9
Oh mate, that's the most important part! Honestly, that's what the emotion is all about in this. Ah well, thanks.
#10
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Oh mate, that's the most important part! Honestly, that's what the emotion is all about in this. Ah well, thanks.


If that's true, you should rewrite the first two stanzas to fit the third.
#11
Quote by caz_guitar_dude who sucks because he used white


Frank

Gleaming wide eyes like light bulbs through the dark.
so, um, it works and everything if you were going for a direct and sporadic style, but you dont follow up with said style so I believe this sentence needs a verb

Not that I can see them of course; I can only listen to its mysterious calling, so utterly confused.
I've used this too much in my own writing that it loses the impact that it once would have had, which is my fault, not yours

I always sort of half wondered why blue was my favourite colour and, although, to be Frank, I?ll never quite know.
Awkward line, doesnt flow at all with the rest of the piece flow-wise, it seems it was made not for the content or to add something, but to include some meanial detail that doesnt really matter... I know thats not the case, but still

I have a pretty good idea for once though.
Awkward phrasing

Thinking about all of this though, it?s taken it?s toll on my head; I?m beginning to doubt how good for you thinking actually is, perhaps another cause of cancer.
DO NOT use 'though' in two consecutive lines, it will never turn out well. Besides that, I agree with Glenn on the Cancer part to a certain extent but I think if you followed up with a more concrete idea to attach the cancer to you could use it.

Not quite sure if owls are allergic to rain, but it did stop; hopped off my back and into silence, but my lingering was left in its footprints on my back.
meh, it sounds like a freewrite, just little stanzas written in a MS word doc that sound cool and are stylisticly sound, but dont culminate into a complete piece

Talking holds no value when you?re thinking and fixing has no purpose when it?s not broken. Critiques hold no reason when you?re Frank.
I like the ending, i dont love it or hate it, just like it.


overall, I think you're capable of better, but this was alright, the idea was there but the execution was subpar

<3
#13
Thanks for the critique, although i'm more interested in the interpretation of this rather than pointing out the flaws; as i'm not too bothered about those.

Colour changed, you tricky bastards you.