#1
Just something to tide you over while I celebrate my 16th birthday.

I think I got this done well, I will go back to this and improve it with time.

Crit for crit, may take me a while but I will get there.

Enjoy


In she walks, soft focus, slow motion, the epitome of a teenage dream date. Open braces gawk as beauty stalks the room. The sweet scent of perfume gently massages the nostrils of several insecure virgins. Fingers point and joints stiffen as the new girl in town walks by, almost hovering, through the boys glasses anyway. Lists of cliched lines and actions run through the minds of many, yet each one will surely bring rejection.

Over time, knotted guts and pumping organs force one man to take a chance, one man to tell her the truth. The pale-faced hero of the library gang. Palms sweating and voice trembling, he goes eye to eye with the beholder of beauty.

"I...." He says.

Is someone laughing ? Is someone taking photos? Is someone filming this upcoming humiliation, and are they going to post it all over the internet and let the billions over the world chuckle at it's stupidity? Maybe this isn't the best idea...

"I think I fancy you."

Shit. Shit. Shit. Here it comes.

"Will you go out with me?"

She's going to say no, she's going to say no, she's.....

"Yes."



Shi
t. I don't want her.
#3
lol, that made my day. good writing.


"Fingers point and joints stiffen as the new girl in town walks by, almost hovering, through "

shouldnt have that second comma. it just doesnt flow as the rest of it does.
#5
hahaha, your brittishness really shows here.

Anyway, like always, I find your pieces incredibly hard to crit, and thats not to say that their excellent or terrible, its just hard for some reason. Here is what I have to say on thsi piece, take it or leave it.

This is your best piece of prose posted here and i can tell you have revised this at least once. On the surface this looks solid, nice plot, nice characters, nice tits, nice everything. Hell I was even fooled into thinking this was a great piece of writing. however, this isnt great, its just good, somewhere in between bad and great, and I think thats why i cant crit your stuff well; I just never feel a true connection with it because all i see are words on a page, not a story or song. And I dont know the exact reason why I cant connect but I think it has something to do with the fact that you can do so much better than this. like, even this story right here with its quaint premise and execution, you could make this so much better. i think its this potential that you have and arnt tapping into that bars me back from touching the braces and speech of the girl, from hearing the little brittish virgin speak.

Remember a couple threads back I said to go cut off a chicken's head? i wasnt kidding {it was both metaphorical and physical}. I think in order to really write you have to go and experience life and subsequent death of life. So kill the chicken, watch it run around in between the shadows with streamers of bloody mist floating from its neck, taste that mist, then come back and write about it, then come back and you can teach me something about myself through art.

tehee, thats my ramble for the night, like I said, take it or leave it.

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695
#6
^It's British with ONE T.

Anyway...this is interesting, and definitely decent writing, but I don't like the idea.

It's almost exactly what happened in an episode of 'Scrubs' which I saw one, which tells you everything you need to know. A really funny show, if you ask me.

Basically, I liked it apart from the theme.
#7
Much thanks to synth, advice duely (sp) noted.

Quote by CJW
It's almost exactly what happened in an episode of 'Scrubs' which I saw one, which tells you everything you need to know. A really funny show, if you ask me.


Damn, I have seen that episode but I tried to steer away form that, I wanted to make this a more juvenile point of view. That was always in my mind when I was writing it but it wasn't what inspired the piece.

Thanks for the words.

Jamie
#8
Nice job, Jamie. This was a sweet little piece and I enjoyed reading. From start to finish, I loved every word of it. The subject you used, I thought was great, and the wording was excellnt. Keep up the good work, man.

Crit mine please

Azrael
#10
It's great lyrics, couldn't imagine writing anything much cooler, it's pretty funny actually, laughed at the end. Don't watch scrubs, wouldn't know, but I really liked this. I'm pretty new to critting here so this is probably the first song of yours i've read before, so I can't be as precise as synth was, but I did like it. I love how it's telling a story, and I love the words you chose, definitely prose, so i can't imagine actually using it in a piece of music, but that's just me, and I don't really write any prose. So I can't really judge you on that. However I'll say it again, I really like it, good job.
ferret.
#11
^ i do believe it was meant to be prose.

Anyway, nicely done Jamie, its a good thing ive never seen scrubs. I think you've captured the teenage spirit fairly well in this piece, even if you're britishness DOES shine through, "fancy", here in the states we say "like". You've taken the feelings of a teenage life that is, "hey, thats hot, lets ask her out just so we can tap it.", and put it into a good piece of prose.
#12
Thanks everyone.

I like to show everyone where I'm from in my pieces, so I try and add some British euphemisms (sp?) and stuff like that to my pieces.

Again, thanks, sorry If I don't critique back, I'm kinda busy, but I will try and get back somewhen.

Jamie
#13
Man, I really like it. Love the Englishness. I'm noticing rapid development in your work, each work is an improvement on already good stuff, and this is the best yet. You've got your own thing going on and it works great. I'm also a massive Scrubs fan and that episode immediately came to mind. Actually, I watched it this morning.
Anyway. Great work man, keep it up.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#14
"The pale-faced hero of the library gang" Hah, I like that creative phrasing, not cliche at all. I daresay you are a better writer than me; (that means I liked the piece)

And one thing, I believe you should remove the "virgin" reference and the expletives. The word "virgin" is so strongly connotated in a sexual way that it'll detract from your main message. And also something that goes with the use of expletives, it makes your writing seem more vulgar and less intelligent. Unless you know exactly what you're doing, avoid expletives.

Edit: I just read the last part of your writing that I missed I think the use of the expletive there greatly enhances the comical effect (making the pros outweigh the cons). Nice job, it caught me by surprise.
Last edited by friedxrice at Sep 16, 2006,
#15
Haha.

I dunno about this, it's pretty funny, but the ending needs re-phrasing.

Like Dylan said, with the addition that it never seems 'special', almost like I could find it somewhere else if I looked for it. Not that you're not original, you are, but it's just... familliar? I dunno.

It's good, but nothing amazing, and this might just be your best prose.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=434305

If you have the chance.
#16
Thanks Alex, friedrice and Ret. Much appreciated. I'll do my best to get back, if not and you really need the crit, pm me and give me an e-spanking

Jamie
#17
What was so good about it? I found it , though this is what it was trying to portray, to juvenile. It was just a couple of lines to me, nothing special.
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."