#1
And we laughed and sung and hoped for a song of love,
turning our sideways hats and slipping on phones of safety.
We sat there and we stared at each other or at ourselves,
Contemplating sexualities, wondering if there was a difference,
anyway.

I worked and I worked and I sucked it in, consuming me,
hoping for that liftoff from airport fifty one o' nine.
Then we flew, we flew together into the nothingness,
whether we or it ever existed we didnt care.
Its always nice to forget the consequences
anyway.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Sep 13, 2006,
#3
And we laughed and sung and hoped for a song of love,

Good opener, I don't understand the including of "And"... This sentence currently has 12 syllables when the next two sentences have 14. Unless you were going for something different I say you should take out "And" and put in a 3 syllable word. (tell me if I actually suck and didn't count the syllables right )

turning our sideways hats and slipping on phones of safety.

did you mean "turning our hats sideways and slipping on phones of safety"? This lines alright...

We sat there and we stared at each other or at ourselves,

I loved the inclusion of " or at ourselves" it shows similarities between the characters. good job

Contemplating sexualities, wondering if there was a difference,
anyway.

Seems a little similar to the last line, talking about how indifferent these characters are Good Job here as well not much to crit

I worked and I worked and I sucked it in, consuming me,

meh, I didn't care much for the "consuming me" but this is an alright line

hoping for that liftoff from airport fifty one o nine.

put an apostrophe after the "o". nothing much to crit here.


Then we flew, we flew together into the nothingless,

Did you mean "nothingness" perhaps?

whether we or it ever existed we didnt care.
Its always nice to forget the consequences
anyway.

Nice Ending.

Kind of a different piece from you, really simplistic. It reminded me alot of frd_marshall's pieces. For me it was just ok. Glad to see another piece from you.

Crit my piece called "A.D.A." on the first page, if you get a chance.
#4
I'm going on a quest!!1!1111!11one!!!!!1111


And we laughed and sung and hoped for a song of love,
--- I like the start with and as I'm a sucker for people starting in the middle of action at the top of their pieces. some nice internal rhyme with sung, song and love though thats because song and sung are essentially the same word its fairly ordinary, nothing that really gets my attention, and really the reason that I'm continuing full critting it after this is because you wrote it

turning our sideways hats and slipping on phones of safety.
--- heh, it sounds like me haha. Anyway, I like the first half with the hats as that piece of garb isnt really touched on that much nowadays but I hate the phrase 'phones of safety', hate it.

We sat there and we stared at each other or at ourselves,
Contemplating sexualities, wondering if there was a difference,
anyway.
--- this honestly reminds me of angsty pieces i write except I'm more vulgar {utilizing an attempted shock value}. And like my pieces this was, for lack of a better term, boring. the language is so mundane that it loses all novelty to me. the only thing that really saved this here was the word 'sexualities' which suprised me, in a good and witty way, kinda transcending human boundaries...

I worked and I worked and I sucked it in, consuming me,
--- not feeling this one bit...

hoping for that liftoff from airport fifty one o' nine.
--- cool, and interesting, but it really doesnt get you out of first gear in this piece which is what you need to do, if that makes sense at all.

Then we flew, we flew together into the nothingness,
whether we or it ever existed we didnt care.
--- this is crap and you know it

Its always nice to forget the consequences
anyway.
--- i like the ending.

overall, not really good nor bad just kinda floating in between, and sometimes thats the worst place for a piece to be.

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=432695
#5
Hello Mike.

I thought this had an indifferent tone to it, as if you'd just really dreamed it up, especially given the ending. I honestly feel like you didn't put much thought or effort into it, so I'm sure you can do better.

Sorry 'bout that.
#8
uh, I couldnt help but notice that your reading the other one I wrote, however Alice closed it for bumping so i guess you'll never see if your prediction was right

anyway, back to activel reading this crap about the puritans!!!