#1
I wrote this song awhile back. Just thought id see what you guys thought about it. I wrote it after having a dream about my ex girlfriend....I tryed my best to type it the way its sung...

Your beautifullll
And it sickens meeeee
I wish I could forget
That you were ever in my life.
Why can't IIII
Forget myyyyy
Forget myyy

Tell me why have you come.
To give me back my love.
Your just a nightmare.
But i'm glad that your here.
Now that this has begun....I wonder how long it will run.
I Wonder why this ever even begun.

Hold meeee
And don't let goooo
I don't want to die.
Hold meeee
And don't let me goooo
I wish that I could still flyyyy
Hold meeee
And don't let me goooo

This is to much for me to take.
You are now my mistake.
Caged me up and clipped my wings.
Then let me go and said your love was fake.
But If I could have you back...
Just for moment IIII
Just for moment I'd be alive.......

Hold meeeee
And don't let goooo
I don't want to ****ing dieeee
Hold meeee
And don't let gooo
I wish I could still flyyyyy
Hold meeee
And don't let me gooooo

Hold me...
And don't let go.
Tell me I'm somthing in your life.
Hold meeee
Don't let goooo
My beautiful nightmare.
Hold meeee
And don't let me gooo...
#2
First impression I got was that godawful song that starts off "My life is brilliant..yadda yadda" Needless to say thats not a good first impression.

Your beautifullll You're beautiful it's true...
And it sickens meeeee
I wish I could forget
That you were ever in my life.
Why can't IIII
Forget myyyyy
Forget myyy

Tell me why have you come.
To give me back my love.
Your just a nightmare.
But i'm glad that your here.
Now that this has begun....I wonder how long it will run.
I Wonder why this ever even begun.

Whoa whoa whoa waaayyy to much rhyming going on here. needs to be toned down a lot.

Hold meeee
And don't let goooo
I don't want to die.
Hold meeee
And don't let me goooo
I wish that I could still flyyyy Waaayyy to forced
Hold meeee
And don't let me goooo And I'm leaving on a jetplane....

This is to much for me to take.
You are now my mistake.
Caged me up and clipped my wings.
Then let me go and said your love was fake.
But If I could have you back...
Just for moment IIII
Just for moment I'd be alive.......

This verse is pretty cliche. I'de avoid refering directly to "lieing" "being fake" "not being true"

Hold meeeee
And don't let goooo
I don't want to ****ing dieeee Wow did not see that comming probably don't need that as nothing realy built up to it.
Hold meeee
And don't let gooo
I wish I could still flyyyyy
Hold meeee
And don't let me gooooo

Hold me...
And don't let go.
Tell me I'm somthing in your life.
Hold meeee
Don't let goooo
My beautiful nightmare.
Hold meeee
And don't let me gooo...


Keep practicing and changing and rearranging your stuff! Practice makes perfect!
#3
Hmm, don't quite know what to make of this piece...

I see alot of potential for you, the author...but the piece is dripping with superfluous emotion. But keep writing; Just tone it down a touch.
#4
i agree with the previous reviewrs. it seemed to be extremely forced...and seemed to be quite uninspired and cliche, but keep up the practice...read some manuals on how to become better at songwriting (they really help) at the 'lessons' section

#5
thanks guys. but like I said I wrote it after a dream I had and I never really changed it. thats what just really came out and I mean it was only really ment for her to see hehe. Thank you again for your replys
Last edited by blackbird1256 at Sep 14, 2006,