#1
crit4crit

AZRAEL

These black robes I'm wearing
Hide twelve angel wings
Before my thousand eyes
The pauper equals the king
And wouldn't you love
To erase me from your mind
But every breath you waste
I inch closer behind
You try so hard to lose me
But I never get lost
And all your shamans
Fail to ward me off

Everyone must come visit me
If they wish to pass through eternity
Everyone who has entered these walls
Has given unto me their pulse

I am the last comfort
That is left to man
Yet you still all fear
The soothing touch of my hand
There are some promises
You wish God would break
Close your eyes in a bedroom
Wonder where you'll wake
And when I appear
At the foot of your bed
Remember, it was by God
That I was sent

Everyone must come visit me
If they wish to pass through eternity
Everyone who has entered these walls
Has given unto me their pulse

Feel the warm embrace
Of I, Azrael
Let me ease the pain
Of the cross's nails
Do not raise your sword
Put down your shield
I have come to take you
To Elysium's green field
Folllow me to the lamb
Lying in the pasture
And hear the beautiful tune
Of the angels' rapture

Everyone must come visit me
If they wish to pass through eternity
Everyone who has entered these walls
Has given unto me their pulse
#2
These black robes I'm wearing
Hide twelve angel wings
Before my thousand eyes
The pauper equals the king
And wouldn't you love
To erase me from your mind
But every breath you waste
I inch closer behind
You try so hard to lose me
But I never get lost
And all your shamans
Fail to ward me off


very good. i like the 4 first lines, very thoughtful. i like your use of words and imagery between good and evil...the end is great

Everyone must come visit me
If they wish to pass through eternity
Everyone who has entered these walls
Has given unto me their pulse


very good, but the last line might need a bit of rephrasing.

I am the last comfort
That is left to man
Yet you still all fear
The soothing touch of my hand
There are some promises
You wish God would break
Close your eyes in a bedroom
Wonder where you'll wake
And when I appear
At the foot of your bed
Remember, it was by God
That I was sent


i feel very attached to this bit...very very good. nothing wrong here...all good


Feel the warm embrace
Of I, Azrael
Let me ease the pain
Of the cross's nails
Do not raise your sword
Put down your shield
I have come to take you
To Elysium's green field
Folllow me to the lamb
Lying in the pasture
And hear the beautiful tune
Of the angels' rapture


i just have no words...excellent piece of writing, beautiful choice of words, although, needs work on the meaning...like the guy below said

overall, i really liked this piece. when i first looked at it it seemed very long, but once i read it i was very attached to it from start to end. good work!
Last edited by zwound at Sep 14, 2006,
#3
Honestly? This piece is pretty weak. Any listener who even knows the slightest about any mythology/beliefs or paid attention in English class back in highschool would be put off. It seems like you just used a thesaurus for common cliches. Which by all means a thesaurus is a great tool but not when used only to substitute words, they have to mesh and fit.

A lot of the song is contradictory saying, "Don't blame me when I show up' then the next line says "Everyone has to come to me" The title is misleading, the song doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything jsut a bunch of self descriptive narative by the assumed Azrael.

I'de suggest either a rewrite or some heavy, heavy alteration. Perhaps find a Jewish friend and ask about Azrael, but be polite about it.
#5
I thought it was very good......from my point of view it flowed very nicelyand i dont know very much about mythology but i could derive the meaning of the song pretty easily....but otherwise very nice
"As long as I'm satisfied with my work, I'm not too concerned with what any critics think, but when I can stand on a stage and see a lot of smiling faces in the crowd, it makes it all worthwhile." ? Randy Rhodes
#6
I also don't know much about mythology, but I picked it up pretty quickly as well. It seemed well written to me, my favorite parts were the verses. The second verse was the best written I think, not to say the others were bad. The chorus is thrown off by the last line I think, but it's got a good premise. Overall, I'd say it's another good work you've put out...
#7
I liked it a lot. I don't know much about mythology either so I have no bones to pick over that one, but seriously, it's really good. It flowed nicely, the choice of words DID mesh, and sounded really pretty. Great job 8.5/10
ferret.