#1
I just wrote this, I still have to work the kinks out of it so don't complain about the lack of rhythm..Just tell me how you like the idea of it. And maybe ideas as to how I can change it to make it better.. Thanks a bunch.


Picture perfect; here's where to look
A deserted street at a quarter to six.
The midnight crept up, a dark heart in shroud
Of storm and of stars, of thunder and drums.
Here the rain beat down on an old rugged life
And the eyes crept out of the corner.
A yield A caution Now beware of the knife
For the trees are echoes of laughter.
"Walk faster! Walk faster!" I cry down the cracked
As the ceiling opens and his tears rain down
"Come quickly! Can't see you!" My life pure ransacked,
The sky swallows me up, I feel myself drown.

Now a deep, endless abyss, sucking us in
A thousand knives are piercing my skin.
My soul drifts beside me, watching my pain,
The thing that's inside me, going insane.
Yet still here I lay in a puddle of filth
My body's beside me, stilling in light
I've crept up so close, I'm hidden in stealth
I'm finally home, yet, it appears...not quite...
ferret.
Last edited by mikr_guitar at Sep 18, 2006,
#2
I personally think that "And the eyes crept out of the corner." and "A yield A caution Now beware of the knife" feel right together.

However in writing those lines you seem to maintain the sense of vague desperation (?) you seem to have going throughout the song/lyrics.

Also, I think that 'filth' is the wrong word for "Yet still here I lay in a puddle of filth", unfortunately I can't think of any suggestions to go with the theme of your work (as I'm no master of words by any means), I just think it sounds a bit off.

On the other hand, absolutely OUTSTANDING use of personification and metaphors - and without age grubbing, extremely mature for someone "born in 1991"

Good stuff dude, keep writing!
#3
Thanks..it took me about 20 minutes to write this and it still needs work..but thanks..
ferret.
#4
A story in lyrics form is genreally called a poem, so stick with that, instead of lyricy story, it sounds much better.

At your behest I shall merely tell you what I think of the idea. If you want me to go into further detail and tear it apart, I will. As far as the idea goes, it is good, although from what I've seen, you don't have a strong story in mind. It comes across as merely random lines which just happen to follow the simplest of plots. You seem to be scared of using colons and semi-colons in the middle of the lines. You can use as many as you like as long as they are used correctly. They don't make the passage any less difficult to read.

One thing though:

"Walk faster! Walk faster!" I cry down the cracked

The cracked what? This seems to be an incomplete line/thought. The rest is very good though, as far as lyrics are concerned.
#5
Returning a crit, sorry I'm so slow.

I liked it on the whole. One bit was a little too cliche; "A thousand knives are piercing my skin". Its been overused all over the place, in everyones songs. Hey, it was even in one of mine. I'd change that bit. Other than that, yeh, the timing could be fixed. I don't really like the "it appears...not quite" bit at the end. I would have been happy to leave it as "finally home". Or something like that.

Good work.