#1
Prett ysimple song, really. I'm thinking just acoustic instruments (guitar, bass, etc.) but I haven't decided yet. Whaddaya think?

I wanna make it so you don?t blush anymore?

I wanna find all your insecurities,
In the darkness where they lie,
And complement them ?til they make you feel good inside.
I wanna take all your anger,
Everything that makes you mad,
And make you laugh about it ?til it?s not so bad,

[chorus]
Ohhh-ohhhh. I?ve seen as much as I can take,
Ohhh-ohhh. The things that make you turn red make me ache,
Ohhh-ohhh. I don?t like watching you feel less than great.
I wanna make it so you don?t blush anymore.

I wanna take everything that terrifies you,
I wanna take everything you fear,
I wanna make it seem so helpless that you don?t realize it?s there,
I wanna bottle up your tears,
And send the bottle into space,
In hopes that you forget what made you sad in the first place.

CHORUS AGAIN.

I wanna help you find the place where you?re happy all the time,
I wanna be the one who helps you leave all the bad behind,
I only like to see you blush when you?re laughing and having fun.
And see your skin change colors when you?re standing in the sun.

CHORUS AGAIN
#2
I hate to be so critical to this piece because it's clear it took some work and time to write, but, to be honest, this was really cliche. I found it hard to find a rhyme that wasn't forced in the whole thing. You could probably put this to music and market it, but if you want to exceed the skill level of Blink-182, All-American Rejects, and Fallout Boy, you'll have to make these better.
#3
Actaully, it didn't take that much time to write. Like fifteen minutes. Usually, I take longer than that, but I actually meant everything I said, so it was pretty easy. I really don't care about making money (I have no market value). I also don't care who I'm better than. I just like to play songs and mess around. So, as far as being better than 182 or Fallout Boy, doesn't concern me.

Thanks for the input, though, man! I was hoping I could get some opinions on it. I was really worried about it being pretty cliche. It started out 'don't cry anymore.' obviously, that one was over the line. Thanks again.

EDIT: Should your user title concern me (LOL)?
Last edited by The_bushidoka at Sep 15, 2006,
#4
Well, you can read the links in my sig, if you want to, then decide if I'm a "struggling songwriter" or not.

Okay, I get your purpose for writing these. Basically, you care about writing a song that conveys your emotions, rather than having some incredibly eloquent poem set to music. That's cool, man. If that's what your purpose is for these lyrics, you win! They convey emotion, they let the listener know what you're thinking. And to be honest, I can relate to them. Heck, sometimes lyrics have to be cliche to be understood by all the people in an audience and still convey a point.
#5
Great piece, I think it's important to have a song where there are howls and yelps. "Ohhhh," despite how unoriginal that sounds really brings the rest of the chorus up a bit. Maybe the rhymes were forced in the chorus, but everything else sounds like it flowed really well. Great stuff.
#6
Thanks, dude. I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but...

I was listening to a lot of Led Zeppelin when I wrote this (I'm still listening to a lot of Led Zeppelin, actually), so the Ohhhs, are more like the ones in stairway to heaven. I guess I should've put oooooooo. Seriously, Thanks a ton.
#7
I like this. There are parts that could use work, but as a whole, it's really good. I like reading it. Maybe work on the chorus a bit, make it a little less predictable.
Maybe take the line "I only like to see you blush when you?re laughing and having fun" and change it a bit.. the end doesn't work on it.. maybe something like "I only like to see you blush when we're having fun" or "when you and I are having fun"
#8
rewrite the chorus.... I jus can't find nonforce rhthym.....
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#9
Actually, I can see this as a cheesey song I would listen to every now and then.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I could see this as a simple song on a cd with mainly more complex ones. otherwise I don't think it works. I don't have much else to say on it.

complement should be compliment. I'm pretty sure that's what you mean.
I like the central theme. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with writing a song about it, and I like how you articulate it as wanting to make her not blush anymore. other than that, though, there's not a whole lot.

keep at it
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in