#1
well, this is my first stuff to post stuff like this, poem/song if i can get a melody...
uhhh here it goes...pleez give crits....pleez give crits.....

( i changed "growingness" too the new edit part... just for all those dudes who dont like made up words!? ;_ other than that it still is sort of the same, just need more feedback!>>>>>>cool man....hella cool>>>>>>


this vacuum of void inside of me
is longing for someplace to hide
this bitter ending full of despair
and make it all just disappear
with a magic word and a wave of wand
all at once it this pain is gone
but slowly it leaks out and
manages to find me

is it all too easy just to
fall off from this hillside
overlooking shattered dreams
hoping never to be found
but you stand there to catch me
to take you for granted
this seed of doubt i've planted
in me

images of shadows
come vivdly as ever more
too much at one time
not able to handle
till you crack and all this melody flows forth
and my mind keeps spinning
heart is beating faster faster,
but slowly slipping
to the depths of new awakenings

is it all too easy just to
fall off from this hillside
overlooking shattered dreams
hoping never to be found
but you stand there to catch me
to take you for granted
this seed of doubt i've planted
in me
Last edited by 808lokalboi at Sep 17, 2006,
#2
For your first piece, this is really good. I enjoyed reading it and I thought it was very solid. One paper the flow did seem a bit off, but maybe it works when it is actually sung. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to reading more pieces from you. Nice job and keep on writing.

Crit mine please?

Azrael
#4
quite good, especially for a first. not too keen on "growingness", as it's not a word. in some parts the flow is kinda tricky, but in my head most of it works out really nicely. i'm sure you can work out the flow quite easily by a few minor changes once you put it to music. good work
#6
Who do you think you are? Steve Miller Band? Just making up words?

Haha just kidding, though "growingness" really isn't a word.

The begining is realy weak and "immature". Not you but rather you're lyrical abilities, which is fine, because we all start somewhere and aside from a few cliches here and there it's actualy a pretty decent first piece. I'de suggest reading the songs that are posted here and paying close attention to the crits given. You'll slowly start to see where you need improvement by being able to compare crits for other people to your own work. Kind of like self critisizing with a little outside influence!

Keep practicing!
#9
Pretty solid stuff.

No huge complaints here. It's not amazing, but it's not terrible.

Keep it up.

Jamie