#1
Ok, I don't really like this piece how it is, but I just wrote it and had fun writing it so I'll throw it up here. I really want to here what you guys think about this one 'cause the subject's something thats been on my mind a lot lately. I'll proably waste my next piece this week on a re-write of this, but whatever. Enjoy. Crit for crit.Edit: took a line off first stanza and touched up a bit somewhere else. nothing major.

There's no aesthetic value,
to pouring your heart onto a white screen.
Your thoughts followed by cursors and curses,
your insides burning the keys and the circuits.

Hearing the past translates to a blank future.
Majesty unbeatable, melodies come and everythign is bleak.
Defeated, then why do we still reach?
Reach forward when your greatest fears are behind your back?

Just sing your fears, rehearse the years, nobody knows history, one day, nobody will know me.

When I die, how many photo frames will close me in?
When I die, I'd better fill albums, or my albums will be for nothing.
When I die, I'd better have made history, or I'll kill you to do it.
While I'm alive I'll be thinking of that time. (When I leave the room, or I'm forced to kill you.)

Honor is a shaky subject these days,
It slipped off most modern tongues and never returned with the waves,
But I returned, and I always will.
I always have to return, I've got albums to fill. (No shoes, I won't live by history.)

Just sing your fears, rehearse the years, nobody knows history, one day nobody will know me.
Last edited by BigBassFishing at Sep 14, 2006,
#2
i didn't like the last line of the first stanza
i think the end of the second line of the second stanza should read "everything is bleak"

and that's all i've got to say in terms of constructive criticism,

i really enjoy the way this is put together, not so much the subject matter, i've been through the whole writing-about-originality thing, no good writing came out of it, but it's a necessary thing, i don't know why i don't think about it now, but anyway; good job
#3
I really don't think you need to do a massive rewrite of this. Overall, I thought this was a solid piece. The flow did seem off at times, so you may want to go back and fix that. Also I would get rid of the part in parentheses. It didn't help the song at all. Anyways, I thought the writing was great and profound in a way. Nice job and keep up the good work, man.

Crit mine please

Azrael