#1
watched The Devil Wears Prada
in attempts to make
what you said make sense
to come to some sort of understanding
with the bad fragments of your being

but I maintained
the main statement fashion makes
is Fascism

can't say I didn't try
and until I can read your mind
I will continue to
but in the meantime
please don't take offence
at my perplexed pointed-
finger sentences.
when I call out names
to see what makes
your head turn which way

in any case
some days I can't
even clear my plate
with all the words I ate.


let me just say
you are what hope is
how could I explain?

(to you)
oh little miss
america in the modern age
it keeps me sane trying to
wrap my arms and head
around a pretty girl
with a working brain

oh adult age eighteen,
how could it be wrong of me
to expect change
when it comes no matter
what you do or say?

for once there's no
two ways about my slang
so listen closely,
you who thinks I mean
'squeaky clean',

follow me blindly,
you'll see.

you, now in new language
harder to read
you, who has recently moved
heart from short sleeve
you, who paints a pretty face
into a painting each day
with white teeth and money
acrophobia, silly insecurities

you are warm-
blooded,
forgiving.
please
don't make me
say please

just... here,
hold my breath for me
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Oct 5, 2006,
#2
It sounds really sweet but not in a corny way. You always seem to just side-step on the edge of cringe-worthy lines, to classics.

The rhyming was really delicate and subtle, so it all just rolls off your tongue.

All in all; it was really smooth and easy to read, which suits the theme loads. And the ending was perfect. Especially the you part building up to the final line. Almost like an argument with a concluding line to knock the other contender out.

Ka bam.

I think you should try writing some different stuff to your usuals, but none-the-less, I think every writer can learn something from you, even if they don't want to.

It's the easyness. Your turn of phrase. It shows your maturity over other writers on here in mass amounts.
#3
Quote by thepickups


I think you should try writing some different stuff to your usuals, but none-the-less, I think every writer can learn something from you, even if they don't want to.

It's the easyness. Your turn of phrase. It shows your maturity over other writers on here in mass amounts.


my thoughts exactly... except put into words... which are better than mine because they're Glenn's
#4
every time I try to write in another style it ends up this. I don't know what to do.

thanks guys
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
if you have a style for poetry/songwriting thats amazing, awe inspiring, catchy and that 'everyone can learn from' then dont change it.

And if you do feel that need to step out of your predisposed shell of poetry, write some prose, a short story, or even a play, I would think you would be a fairly good playwrite... anyway, just my two cents
#6
Good writing style. The words flow well. I didn't really catch your rhyme scheme, but it sounded good anyway. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#7
It's got a lot of feeling to it and you can learn from it if interpreted right. A song means speaks a lot better when it says something to you. I'm not a professional at judging songs or even writing them but I know when it's a good one and you've got it. If you don't mind, take a look at mine and give me a few suggestions. http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=433688
#8
the first verse is bad. why didn't anybody call me on that?

did I say love?


I've been working on prose actually but it all comes out very poorly. I'm taking a class. I haven't shown any signs of improvement.

sure, I'll take a look at it. thanks
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
my thoughts exactly... except put into words... which are better than mine because they're Glenn's


You know I'm not Matt?

You don't have to suck me that hard.



. I'm taking a class. I haven't shown any signs of improvement.
  • 10 Lines long
  • Without a rhyme in it


What harm will trying that do eh..
#10
This is amazing Mike, it really is, I'm having a really tough time right now, and this piece just hit me, its so accurate, and beautifully written. Theres nothing I can say negatively about this one. Sorry thats a lame crit, and i'm gonna be even lamer and ask if you could give a view on mine, its simplistic for me, and I'd appreciate a comment if you could.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
Quote by less than that
I'm taking a class. I haven't shown any signs of improvement.


Truth be told, taking a class doesnt improve your writing in the least. Really all you learn is writing theory via studying your own, and others, work, and that in of itself doesnt help you improve at all. So dont think of the class as a steroid or blowjob that will strip you of some sort of pain {goddamn I need a new gf really badly... almost as much as I need my old horse tranqs} , think of it more as a catylyst for your own self discovery.
#12
thanks a lot guys. I've made changes to it too, small ones. but if you'd give it another look over just to make sure it's alright that'd be good. I'm setting it to music and once it's to music it may as well be written in stone, am I right fellas?

the class is for writing fiction though, which I don't know anything about. and even if it were a poetry class I think I'd disagree with you. you can learn something anywhere from anyone, may as well take a class even if you only get one thing out of it the entire time.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
Can't believe I didn't see this the first time.

I'm going to have to just say that I agree with everything thepickups said.

On the topic of learning: I believe a class can improve your writing, but it can't teach you to write, and you shouldn't take it in stone, if you get what I'm trying to say.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
you're right, I should take it with a grain of salt (hahahah)

I only slept for three hours, slack must be cut.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in