#1
crit for crit leave a link. I like to explain my song first on what it's about although the song may not show it it's about my uncle and he went to the vietnam war he left to fight and came back to his wife and children gone no goodbyes she just packed up and left anyway here it is.

Shell Shocked Returns

My dear Andy Mitchell
What has this brought to me
A slight tear of light in my eye
Or a gleam of blood across my wrist
Hows darcy been treating you?

What is this i hear of a baby
A child of yours in anothers womb
This is how you pay me the news
Through a piece of paper and pen?

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were Yours

Father please, take him away
Show him what you never wanted to see again
Make him see that this is what a girl can cause
Tell him how you got there

My dear uncle why are you fighting with
These cowards they call men
As if youre Brother was not enough
Then please, why did you go too?
You dont need to feel the pain
You've had enough blood shed

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were yours

Shell shocked returns
The sounds that you
Never came home to

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you...
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
Last edited by Scarcity at Sep 17, 2006,
#2
Theres a lot of raw emotion in this, although I feel you've explained in the song from more than one angle and we havnt been told about it as much as we could have. Good song though.
#3
thanks and yeah i did actually write it in different views.
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#4
Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man i like that line alot....hell yeah dude very good song. I wish i could write stuff like that
#5
thanks man
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#6
I enjoyed reading it I felt like I was actually reading somebody's letter..a lot of emotion in there but not quite sure what happened exactly (a girl causing trouble perhaps..), but it makes me wonder..which is good. Yes, I felt like I was reading a story or something crazy cool like that. I love lyrics that do that though.."Shell shocked returns You never came home to" That's a good line..reminds me a bit of Billy Talent lyrics (it's a compliment from my view, don't know how you'll take it) I think it's a good ending. Yes. And where did you get the name Andy Mitchell from I'd like to know that??? Oh well. Good job. And crit on one of my songs would be awesome, links in my sig.
ferret.
#7
very raw... I think you were going for that, so I'm basing my opinion on that assumptioin. It's an interesting piece, and I like how many different angles it comes from. The repeating stanza's are good IMO, I especially like the repetion of "My dear Andy Mitchell/what am I to do with you?" It sounds good to read... the only thing I have against this particular piece is the fact that I can't pick up a flow to it. What kind of style is this supposed to be? I mean, it's perfectly fine as a poem, I just can't imagine how it'd be sung..

either way, good job and keep up the work
#8
hey mate, these guys have touched on it nicely, so just drop me a pm when you make your next piece and ill drop that one a crit.
#9
Quote by Scarcity

Shell Shocked Returns

My dear Andy Mitchell
What has this brought to me
A slight tear of light in my eye
Or a gleam of blood across my wrist (A bit cheesy)
Hows darcy been treating you?

What is this i hear of a baby
A child of yours in anothers womb
This is how you pay me the news
Through a piece of paper and pen?

Great verse here I like it a lot. Particularly how it's comming from someone elses mouth. Brings depth.


My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were Yours

Great description here. Very well worded!


Father please, take him away
Show him what you never wanted to see again (This line is pretty weak and doesn't offer anything)
Make him see that this is what a girl can cause
Tell him how you got there

All-in-all this verse is kind of bland. Almost out of place with everything before it, being so interesting.

My dear uncle why are you fighting with
These cowards they call men
As if youre Brother was not enough
Then please, why did you go too?
You dont need to feel the pain (This line doesn't sit well)
You've had enough blood shed

This verse is pretty good, the last two lines are a bit lacking IMO. Perhaps something moer interesting?

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were yours

Shell shocked returns
You never came home to

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you...


Very, very nice piece much more intertaining then I was first expecting. (No offence ) Not much to complain about on my end aside from those few lines. Great job.
#10
it'd be sung like a coheed song, lots of tempo changes lots of different guitar parts and riffs
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#11
oh yeah... It's played in Drop D. i'm gonna put the tabs up for anyone that wants to have a look
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#12
Quote by Scarcity

Shell Shocked Returns

My dear Andy Mitchell
What has this brought to me
A slight tear of light in my eye
Or a gleam of blood across my wrist
Hows darcy been treating you?
Yeh, that line is very cheesy indeed. Not to my liking.

What is this i hear of a baby
A child of yours in anothers womb
This is how you pay me the news
Through a piece of paper and pen?
Very nice. I liked this part alot. Nothing mroe to add.

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you
Yeh, this part is pretty ok. A little plain. But a good pre-chorus. I'd leave it as is, because it contrasts the chorus well.

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were Yours
Hmm, mixed emotions. The first half seems a little too seperate from the second in ideas. It suddenly jumps from "a letter written in" to "wish it was yours". I thought it a bit confusing.

Father please, take him away
Show him what you never wanted to see again
Make him see that this is what a girl can cause
Tell him how you got there
I liked the ideas, and the words, but didn't like the two middle lines being alot longer than the others. Probably just me. I wouldn't change it though.

My dear uncle why are you fighting with
These cowards they call men
As if youre Brother was not enough
Then please, why did you go too?
You dont need to feel the pain
You've had enough blood shed
I liked this part. Liked it alot. Two thumbs up.

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you

Another letter written in
Blood stains and gun shots
On the bone of another man
Am i insane, in the fact that
I wish it were yours

Shell shocked returns
You never came home to
I like this part. Maybe do a bit more with this.

My dear Andy Mitchell
What am i to do with you...


It is a pretty darn good idea for a song. I generally liked it. Except for maybe that line in the first verse, which brought it down a bit. Nice.
#13
yew finally got the tab up check it out it's under misc unsigned bands the name of it is scarcity. aka me and look for the title dont forget to leave a rating
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3