#1
I haven't wrote anything in forever. Blahh. Not anything good. I don't know how I feel about this, but I'll find out soon, hopefully. Anyway, I know it's long, but I need as many crits as possible.
Thank you. Read.


Lisa's in the kitchen, crying at the table,
you can't ask her what is wrong,
She never talks to anyone.

I'm crying in the backyard, the flowers have all died.
Winter hasn't taken them,
they're gone before their time.

It's hard to forget about the moon, when it's shining in your eyes,
and the stars that lay there burning,
burning holes into the sky.

Have you heard the crickets' songs? They're mourning all the time.
About the night they live and die in,
the same as you and I.

Hum along,
you're out of tune,
but no one here gives a damn.
Just sing along,
make everyone,
'cause no one ever gives a damn.

Mary's cooking dinner, with Lisa by her side,
the smells float through the air,
but no one's in this empty house.

I'm throwing rocks out at your window, but you're not waking up.
I never wanted to wake up,
but to sleep all of the time.


It's hard to forget love, when it's always at your door,
and the voice that's in your ears
is sorry, like before.

Have you heard the birdies' songs? They're singing all the time.
About their children that get left behind,
when they fly at wintertime.

Hum along,
you're out of tune,
but no one here gives a damn.
Just dream along,
you're all alone,
'cause we don't ever give a damn.
Last edited by radiocure at Sep 15, 2006,
#2
I really don't like how the subject matter changes in every verse, really takes the listerner out of the song. I loved the begining, but only because it reminds me of "'Round here".

To tired to post a full crit, sorry :/
#3
i thought it was alright but i would change this

and the stars that lay there burning,
burning holes into the sky


into

And the stars that lay there burning,
look at them putting holes into our sky

anyway a crit for my song would be apreciated if you have the time it's Shell Shocked Returns
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3