#1
A pretty personal song that I think is not only pretty personal but pretty and personal. Crit is welcome, cheers. EDIT: The title is only temp. suggestions welcome.


(intro)
(fingerpicking acoustic "Guitar 1")

Thinking of credentials
A place to test your weight
against my mettle,
Against my unconditional failings
I've kept in store.

(guitar 1 = chords, guitar 2 "electric" = powerdhords light distortion)

If she, the carbonite bubbles of life
And I, the visceral tone on her toungue
Then I'de let her wash over me
If they'de let me take her name
I'de take her name

Please don't leave without me
It's hard enough to stand here at your side
One more hour
One more day breaks
And tumbles before the noir

So illogical

(guitar solo guitar 1 & 2)

She's always talked in whispers
Displaying her weakend state
though it's not her failing body
But her heart that speaks this way

(guitar 2)

If she's the cathode of existence
And I the contagious air it breathes
then I'de let her wash over me
If they'de let me take her name
I'de take her name

(guitar 1 fingerpicking)

Please don't leave without me
It's hard enough to stand here at your side
One more hour
One more day breaks
And tumbles before the noir

So illogical..

(outro)
#2
Quote by Brokenkingdom

So illogical


I agree. This song doesn't make sense at all. However, I do like your lyrics alot anyway. As I said they don't really make sense, but they sound pretty cool. I also think its cool that you got this song planned out already in terms of instrumentation. Keep writing!
"Notes are expensive. . .use them wisely"-B.B. King

"It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you."-Eric Clapton
#3
Could you explain why or how you found it to be illogical? What part didn't make sense to you?

Haha I hope thats not the reason no one is posting crits Should I post an explanation?
#4
no need to explain it, though it is a little bit hard to see what youre talking about. The lyrics i thought were great, but then again i'm always one for... AH i figured it out i think, this is my version of youre song, is it that a girl you like or love has a disease and you'd gladly take her name and standing by her wanting her to stay for longer is hard on you? thats my thought, Over all i think it's a great piece no forced rhymes all in all a good piece

crit mine please It's called Shell Shocked Returns

thanks
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#5
Haha pretty close, essentialy its like an inner monologue that means something along these lines:

"I need some confidence because this situation is testing my strength and I now that I have weakness' that I've always ignored untill this point"

"If she is at the culmination of life, the exploding point ready to pop and die and the only thing she can say is my name, if I'm the noly thing on her mind then I would gladly take her place and be the one suffering if I could"

"Please don't die I'm trying so hard to be here with you, when everything is up in the air gambling on your life. how could this really be happening?"

"Shes always been so calm and collected through this situation but now shes so scared and frieghted as it comes to the final moments or live or die."

"If she is my entire life and I am her entire life, then if she dies I will die as well."

"please don't die it's hard enough just being here at your side...."
#6
Quote by Brokenkingdom


"I need some confidence because this situation is testing my strength and I now that I have weakness' that I've always ignored untill this point"

"If she is at the culmination of life, the exploding point ready to pop and die and the only thing she can say is my name, if I'm the noly thing on her mind then I would gladly take her place and be the one suffering if I could"

"Please don't die I'm trying so hard to be here with you, when everything is up in the air gambling on your life. how could this really be happening?"

"Shes always been so calm and collected through this situation but now shes so scared and frieghted as it comes to the final moments or live or die."

"If she is my entire life and I am her entire life, then if she dies I will die as well."

"please don't die it's hard enough just being here at your side...."


in my opinion, this works better as a song than what you originally posted, as for a start, it doesn't feel so forced. Obviously it needs structuring, but the groundworks for a good song are in there. I just think in your original song you're striving so hard to write something "different" that you end up missing the mark. It seems in what you posted above, you wrote out the meaning behind the song, the way you would have if you weren't trying to over-complicate things.
CINDY