#1
Before you read this, I want to make it very clear that this song is cliche. I wrote it because it conveyed the emotion that I was feeling. So, instead of saying "this is cliche" please tell me how well I wrote something cliche. Is that cool?

Okay, thanks.

Leave a link, and I will crit your work.

[verse 1]
I saw you in the window
Your face pressed on the window pane
Eyes wandering the midnight streets
Looking for that someone who can ease your pain

[pre-chorus]
I look up but you close the curtain
Turn out the lights and fall asleep
I guess you didn't see me standing there
Alone is a lonely place to be

[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

[verse 2]
The moon sets and the sun is rising
The stars begin to slowly fade away
But still one remains there shining
Like a beacon light that will not fade

[pre-chorus]
I pass by you every night and day
You always look so sick and weak
The bright star I can always see
Is the tear on your cheek

[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

[bridge]
I look up into your window
You smile and meet my gaze
Take my hand and I'll hold you
Tonight, we leave this place behind
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Sep 15, 2006,
#2
Man, I wrote you a complete review of this song, took me about 15 minutes, pressed save and my computer froze. So I'll have to summarize: Not bad, there are certain parts of if that are really good, certain parts of it that kinda sucked, and most of it was just okay. One thing that I'd change is the first line of the chorus, you can def do better than that. The rest of the chorus is really good though. And I really like the second verse.
ferret.
#3
Quote by lespaul_rentals
Before you read this, I want to make it very clear that this song is cliche. I wrote it because it conveyed the emotion that I was feeling. So, instead of saying "this is cliche" please tell me how well I wrote something cliche. Is that cool?

Okay, thanks.

Leave a link, and I will crit your work.

[verse 1]
I saw you in the window
Your face pressed on the window pane
Eyes wandering the midnight streets
Looking for that someone who can ease your pain

I like this verse, except for the repetition of window. Try wooden pane, maybe.

[pre-chorus]
I look up but you close the curtain
Turn out the lights and fall asleep
I guess you didn't see me standing there
Alone is a lonely place to be


I don't love this part. It just doesn't feel right to me.

[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

haha, this is cliched, but you wrote it well. Flows ok, rhyming is solid. Not muich imagery, but i still like it.


[verse 2]
The moon sets and the sun is rising
The stars begin to slowly fade away
But still one remains there shining
Like a beacon light that will not fade



Starting to maybe get some flow problems here..nothing major, just some minor rewording.

[pre-chorus]
I pass by you every night and day
You always look so sick and weak
The bright star I can always see
Is the tear on your cheek


I like this prechorus much better. The bright star/tear line, is very good IMO.
[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

[bridge]
I look up into your window
You smile and meet my gaze
Take my hand and I'll hold you
Tonight, we leave this place behind


Im not sure about this one....at least not to end the song. Maybe if it went into an instrumental break after.



Not a bad piece. I enjoyed it. Yes, maybe a little cliched, but...done well. Good job.

edit: heres mine if you want it https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=412643
<Han> I love Hitler
Last edited by HaKattack at Sep 16, 2006,
#4
Once again, it's a great poem. I'd love to hear it set to music. I like the imagery, and I like how it seems intentionally cliche. Almost like you wanted to use cliche to convey an original idea (like using lies to tell the truth, but not exactly). Awesome again, Dude.
#6
Quote by The_bushidoka
Once again, it's a great poem. I'd love to hear it set to music. I like the imagery, and I like how it seems intentionally cliche. Almost like you wanted to use cliche to convey an original idea (like using lies to tell the truth, but not exactly). Awesome again, Dude.


I agree with this dud on this. Crit mine plaese: Margaux. Keep up the good work!
#7
this was great, honestly.. the flow of the verses were good, the words all fit pretty tight, and as mentioned before, the cliche is almost intentional. the subject is something i can relate to very easily, and it is expressed very well. the second prechorus especially was excellent. good job well done..

ps: thx for the crit on tv messiah.. plz crit my new one: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6835756
#8
Quote by lespaul_rentals
Before you read this, I want to make it very clear that this song is cliche. I wrote it because it conveyed the emotion that I was feeling. So, instead of saying "this is cliche" please tell me how well I wrote something cliche. Is that cool?

Okay, thanks.

Leave a link, and I will crit your work.

[verse 1]
I saw you in the window
Your face pressed on the window pane
Eyes wandering the midnight streets
Looking for that someone who can ease your pain
Very cliche indeed, not good.
[pre-chorus]
I look up but you close the curtain
Turn out the lights and fall asleep
I guess you didn't see me standing there
Alone is a lonely place to be
Hmm... i'm really not sure about this... it seems pretty bland and plain to me. It just doesn't interest me at all.
[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go
Again, extremely cliche.
[verse 2]
The moon sets and the sun is rising
The stars begin to slowly fade away
But still one remains there shining
Like a beacon light that will not fade
This is ok... but still very cliche i hate to say.
[pre-chorus]
I pass by you every night and day
You always look so sick and weak
The bright star I can always see
Is the tear on your cheek
Ok, not too bad.
[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

[bridge]
I look up into your window
You smile and meet my gaze
Take my hand and I'll hold you
Tonight, we leave this place behind
Not bad.


All i can really say about this is that it's horribly cliched; i can bet a thousand other pieces have been written that are exactly like this one. It's your main aim and it's in your best interests to sort that out.

Mind a look at mine? In my sig, thanks.
#9
Quote by lespaul_rentals


[verse 1]
I saw you in the window
Your face pressed on the window pane
Eyes wandering the midnight streets
Looking for that someone who can ease your pain

I dont like the repitition of window here, Otherwise its a good verse

[pre-chorus]
I look up but you close the curtain
Turn out the lights and fall asleep
I guess you didn't see me standing there
Alone is a lonely place to be

Very nice. I like this alot, dont change anything

[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

Good, but the I dont like the "drowning in your fears" line. Dont know why

[verse 2]
The moon sets and the sun is rising
The stars begin to slowly fade away
But still one remains there shining
Like a beacon light that will not fade

Good yet again. Not quite as nice as the first verse but still very good

[pre-chorus]
I pass by you every night and day
You always look so sick and weak
The bright star I can always see
Is the tear on your cheek

Dont like the last line. Everything else is fine

[chorus]
You're looking for someone to help you
Drowning in your fears alone
I'm offering my hand to you
Grab hold and I'll never let go

[bridge]
I look up into your window
You smile and meet my gaze
Take my hand and I'll hold you
Tonight, we leave this place behind

Nice ending, nothing realy to change


Very nice overall. 8.5/10

Crit my newest when you ge the chance. (A little world in black and white)